The end.
At least for now.
Here's to hoping there isn't anymore sad stuff to share in the future!
Thank you for reading. It's been such a trip. I'm really sad to be leaving all of you.
It's funny...as I was writing, I looked at the "Main Character" in the story as someone else. Not me.
It's been educational.
And I wanted to share a few last tid bits if I could...
First...I know I portrayed myself as the victim in a lot of these posts...and someone else as the bad guy.
While I stand behind the fact that many did have their parts in all of this and should be held accountable, I don't deny my part in any of this either.
Especially in the case of Doug and Rob...I was an adult then.
Regardless of what happened in my past that may have made me predisposed or more inclined to making certain decisions...I still made them.
I know right from wrong and I had the ability to choose a different path.
While I do regret all the times I lied and cheated, I'm thankful that God worked things out for me in the end. I would not be here, with Joe and our beautiful family, without all the random things that took place and brought me here.
An interesting aside: Joe lived in one of the cities I lived in at one time--at the same time. In fact, he was living in an apartment complex right across the street from mine and Rob's first house. He used to run down my road, right past my house...and we never knew each other.
The first time Joe DJ'd at the bar I used to go to was the night I celebrated my birthday there.
And what are the odds that the only apartment available would be right across the hall from him??
As far as Rob...there were happy times. 8 years filled with happy and sad. I chose to concentrate more on the sad for the purposes of this blog, but please know there were some good times. Up until about 6 months ago, we still communicated randomly and sporadically through email or text. Just to say hello, or Happy Birthday.
This past birthday of mine was the first time in 15 years I didn't hear happy birthday from him.
I've heard through the grapevine that he has a girlfriend. Maybe that's why. I won't lie, it's bitter sweet.
It's hard to share so much time and so many experiences with someone...and then it all just goes away and you don't know that person at all.
As far as Doug. That's an interesting story. After he and I split, he started dating Katherine. Remember her? She was my bestie in high school and the one who tried to talk us out of going away to get married.
She was desperate to marry him, but he wasn't as enthusiastic. So they broke up. And then she married Doug's best friend. Small world.
Doug has since married a girl Katherine knew and they have 2 beautiful little girls. Doug has finished college and holds a degree. I hope they are very happy. I hope that there aren't too many hard feelings on either of their parts, but I understand if there are.
Grant and Carla are still together and living in the same town. I've heard rumblings that they have struggled in many ways over the past 20 years or so. I'm not at liberty to share the details. That's their story for their blog.
I contacted their kids before I started writing and was amazingly given their blessing to share whatever I wanted. I am so thankful for that.
I'm not sure if Grant & Carla are attending church anywhere, but I hope they are.
Something I left out of the blog is the night I went home (to where I grew up). It was while I was married to Rob. I visited Missy and her kids at their church and hung out at the youth group that night. Grant and Carla's kids were there...in their teens at the time. I spoke with their oldest for a while. I hadn't seen or talked to their parents in a very long time. I was feeling very hateful and angry about the lack of support I'd gotten from the church during those horrible years.
Something led me that night to go to Grant and Carla's house.
I'd heard that they were mixed up in some ugly stuff.
I stood at the door, quaking in the knees and ready to face some giants.
Grant opened the door.
And...he was shorter than I remembered!
I sat them down and said:
"I just don't want you to lose what it is that makes you 'Grant & Carla'"
See, Grant & Carla were like a soap opera super couple back in the day...before this all came out. I know they had a calling to minister. It just got all mixed up. Sad.
I attribute so much of what I've learned about the Bible and about God to them. Carla is an amazing and strong woman. I admire so many things about her. I find myself like her in a lot of ways...many of what I consider to be my good qualities mirror her in so many ways.
But I was strong enough to face them. And not as a shaking child, as an adult.
It was definitely all by God's grace that I ended up there. Unafraid.
There's a great song I've heard recently that defines this whole journey for me and the guilt and shame I carried for so long. It's called You Are More by Tenth Avenue North. Here are the lyrics and the video with lyrics.
If you're so inclined, please play the video and read along while you listen to the music.
It's a powerful message to all of us. We really are more than our past decisions or mistakes.
Thank you again for coming with me on this journey.
And good luck to you on your own.
You Are More (Tenth Avenue North)
Lyrics
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
