Let me start by speaking to those who knew me back then who may be reading.
It's important to me that you know I have no ill will toward these people. In fact, I still speak with them today. We are civil to one another and I have every intention of keeping it that way. But more importantly, I still have a relationship with their kids.
I don't want to cause them trouble. And I hope the things I say won't do that for them.
*************************************************
So... I left off with the morning wake up routine. And I know that was a horrible way to leave it.
I realize you can't see how many times I've had to start and stop typing this...so I'll stop telling you when I do!
Tough tough tough stuff. I'm just going to dive right in.
Morning wake up consisted of Grant coming in my room and sitting on the side of my bed.
He'd hug me. Then it progressed to more.
Side note: I just had to stop already (I know I said I wasn't going to tell you that) and I grabbed my Bible.
I flipped it open. I am NOT one of those who believe that the Lord will take me to the "right" passage just by opening the Bible and letting it land open where it will...but I'd like to think that maybe that's what happened right now.
I came to Psalm 25:1-3
"To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in You will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse."
Interesting.
I'm running with that. I trust that revealing this will not put me to shame.
***I just typed a whole bunch of things that I have since deleted. I think that staying to vague recollections may be best for now. I don't think that "details" wouldn't edify anyone. Who knows...maybe that will change in the future...***
Anyway...while there was never sex involved--let me be clear about that-- there most definitely were inappropriate actions and conversation.
Like a question Grant once asked me, "Hmmm. I wonder if anything ever happened to Carla if your mom would let you marry me?" I was 15 or 16 for Pete's sake.
I used to seek out his attention and time alone with him. A lot of time was spent in the office which was in the attic of the home.
I actually got so confused about him that I really, seriously started thinking he was Jesus. I started calculating his birthday according to when scholars think Christ was really born. I compared Grant's ice blue eyes to the way artists like to depict Jesus' eyes. Crazy. Now, looking back, I see I was totally brainwashed. I'm not going to pin that on Grant. I was a willing participant with an imaginative mind. I placed him on such a pedastal. I'd like to believe his intentions were wholesome and pure at the onset and it just got out of hand. But I can't speak for him.
The bomb came when Carla & Grant went out of town one weekend. They came back and Grant told me he had confessed everything to Carla. I was...a million things. I was crushed. I was humiliated. I felt betrayed. I was panicked about what this meant as far as my living conditions.
Carla took me aside that night and had me tell her everything. Everything. It was awful. How do you look into the eyes of someone you love, respect, and admire and tell them the inappropriate things you did with their husband? And that you actually thought you were in love with him--at least what I thought at that age was love?
Things went from bad to worse after that. I didn't move out. I actually wish I had now, but at the time, I chose that weird and uncomfortable environment over going back home.
It was like living in a prison. My every move was watched. I found Carla skulking around the house trying to catch us doing something. I was not allowed to be on the second floor if Grant was in the office in the attic.
It got so bad that when I would go home on the weekends with my parents, I panicked a few times when I found myself alone with my dad. I got confused about where I was and where I was allowed to be.
Finally, my parents decided it was time for me to move back home and Carla was only too happy to oblige their wishes. I knew it was because she wanted the solitude of her family back. I can't say that I blame her. Unfortunately, I took it as her no longer wanting me. You see, as messed up as this whole situation was, I still held a great love and respect for her.
So, the summer before my senior year, I moved back home. It was time for a new start. I hoped.
