Wrap Party

So this is it.

The end.

At least for now.

Here's to hoping there isn't anymore sad stuff to share in the future!

Thank you for reading. It's been such a trip. I'm really sad to be leaving all of you.

It's funny...as I was writing, I looked at the "Main Character" in the story as someone else. Not me.

It's been educational.

And I wanted to share a few last tid bits if I could...

First...I know I portrayed myself as the victim in a lot of these posts...and someone else as the bad guy.

While I stand behind the fact that many did have their parts in all of this and should be held accountable, I don't deny my part in any of this either.

Especially in the case of Doug and Rob...I was an adult then.

Regardless of what happened in my past that may have made me predisposed or more inclined to making certain decisions...I still made them.

I know right from wrong and I had the ability to choose a different path.

While I do regret all the times I lied and cheated, I'm thankful that God worked things out for me in the end. I would not be here, with Joe and our beautiful family, without all the random things that took place and brought me here.

An interesting aside: Joe lived in one of the cities I lived in at one time--at the same time. In fact, he was living in an apartment complex right across the street from mine and Rob's first house. He used to run down my road, right past my house...and we never knew each other.

The first time Joe DJ'd at the bar I used to go to was the night I celebrated my birthday there.

And what are the odds that the only apartment available would be right across the hall from him??

As far as Rob...there were happy times. 8 years filled with happy and sad. I chose to concentrate more on the sad for the purposes of this blog, but please know there were some good times. Up until about 6 months ago, we still communicated randomly and sporadically through email or text. Just to say hello, or Happy Birthday.

This past birthday of mine was the first time in 15 years I didn't hear happy birthday from him.

I've heard through the grapevine that he has a girlfriend. Maybe that's why. I won't lie, it's bitter sweet.
It's hard to share so much time and so many experiences with someone...and then it all just goes away and you don't know that person at all.

As far as Doug. That's an interesting story. After he and I split, he started dating Katherine. Remember her? She was my bestie in high school and the one who tried to talk us out of going away to get married.

She was desperate to marry him, but he wasn't as enthusiastic. So they broke up. And then she married Doug's best friend. Small world.

Doug has since married a girl Katherine knew and they have 2 beautiful little girls. Doug has finished college and holds a degree. I hope they are very happy. I hope that there aren't too many hard feelings on either of their parts, but I understand if there are.

Grant and Carla are still together and living in the same town. I've heard rumblings that they have struggled in many ways over the past 20 years or so. I'm not at liberty to share the details. That's their story for their blog.

I contacted their kids before I started writing and was amazingly given their blessing to share whatever I wanted. I am so thankful for that.

I'm not sure if Grant & Carla are attending church anywhere, but I hope they are.

Something I left out of the blog is the night I went home (to where I grew up). It was while I was married to Rob. I visited Missy and her kids at their church and hung out at the youth group that night. Grant and Carla's kids were there...in their teens at the time. I spoke with their oldest for a while. I hadn't seen or talked to their parents in a very long time. I was feeling very hateful and angry about the lack of support I'd gotten from the church during those horrible years.

Something led me that night to go to Grant and Carla's house.

I'd heard that they were mixed up in some ugly stuff.

I stood at the door, quaking in the knees and ready to face some giants.

Grant opened the door.

And...he was shorter than I remembered!

I sat them down and said:

"I just don't want you to lose what it is that makes you 'Grant & Carla'"

See, Grant & Carla were like a soap opera super couple back in the day...before this all came out. I know they had a calling to minister. It just got all mixed up. Sad.

I attribute so much of what I've learned about the Bible and about God to them. Carla is an amazing and strong woman. I admire so many things about her. I find myself like her in a lot of ways...many of what I consider to be my good qualities mirror her in so many ways.

But I was strong enough to face them. And not as a shaking child, as an adult.

It was definitely all by God's grace that I ended up there. Unafraid.

There's a great song I've heard recently that defines this whole journey for me and the guilt and shame I carried for so long. It's called You Are More by Tenth Avenue North. Here are the lyrics and the video with lyrics.

If you're so inclined, please play the video and read along while you listen to  the music.

It's a powerful message to all of us. We really are more than our past decisions or mistakes.

Thank you again for coming with me on this journey.

And good luck to you on your own.

You Are More (Tenth Avenue North)

Lyrics

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

And We've Come To The End...Sort Of

Joe's first wife died of Non Hodgekins Lymphoma. At the age of 31.

Joe was 29.

I'd never met anyone who was a widower at such a young age.

My heart broke for him when I heard his story.

And then we got married and I found myself fighting that same green monster that I faced with Doug and Tess.

Only this time, it wasn't a relationship that went sour...it was a relationship cruelly ended before its time.

I didn't know how to process that. I knew that if Stacy hadn't gotten sick, she and Joe would most likely still be together.

He didn't choose to leave her.

And it was such a sad story.

From the time she was diagnosed until she passed was only 7 months.

Not very long to tell the person you love most all the things you want to tell them.

Most of that time was spent in treatment and a good part at the end was with Stacy heavily sedated.

I felt like I was in competition with her memory.

I felt like her memory would always loom in the background.

From the Live Strong bracelet he always wears to the tattoo on his leg with her initials, I thought, "She'll always be here with us."

As with all things I am obsessed with, I asked Joe lots of questions about her.

He didn't mind...in fact he said that no one really talked about her that much anymore. Maybe because they were afraid of making him sad by bringing it up?

I think it was helpful for both of us.

One night I told him that I was feeling insecure and that I'd never been with someone whose spouse died.

He said, "I've never watched anyone die before."

Perepective.

Instead of feeling like I was in competition, I started trying to integrate her into the marriage in certain ways.

We started visiting the cemetery regularly and even took our oldest with us.

That's the first place the baby giggled.

He laughed right out loud.

Such a strange sound to hear at a cemetery: the beautiful sound of a baby's laughter.

From then on when one of the babies laughs, we say maybe Stacy's telling them jokes.

For a while when our 2nd child was still in a crib, we'd hear him in bed chatting up a storm and laughing.

When I asked him who he was talking to, he said, "Stacy."

We had a weird instance one night after we tucked our oldest in for bed. We kissed him goodnight, turned off the light and left the door oopen a little.

A few minutes later I went upstairs and noticed that the light was on in his room.

Naturally, I got all freaked out and called Joe upstairs. I asked him if he'd left the light on.

But I know he couldn't have. I was the last one out of the room and I remember very clearly peeking back in and seeing the baby laying down. In the dark.

We just chalked it up to Stacy keeping the light on for him, but who knows.

I've finally come to a place where I don't feel insecure with her memory.

I like to hear stories about her.

And Joe appreciates remembering her.

I just try to imagine if the tables were turned, I'd want the love of my life to remember me.

So fast forward to where we are today.

We're happy and taking one day at a time.

We have our struggles juts like anyone, but this is by far the healthiest relationship I've ever been in.

We're friends. We have each other's backs.

Yes, sometimes...okay often... we fight. Even yell at each other.

But this is it.

It's not necessarily how I would have written my story if given the opportunity to choose the way my life went, but I can't imagine changing a thing. Even the bad stuff.

I am who I am because of it. All of it.

I think I have a heart of compassion and empathy because of it.

I'm a survivor. *Cue Destiny's Child*

I've had the absolute best time writing this blog.

And your feedback has just been amazing.

I'm sad to be up to date.

But there will be one more post. A wrap-up of sorts.

Thanks for hanging with me for so long. I've enjoyed the ride.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

Joe and I began the habit of opening both our front doors and just going about our day yelling back and forth to each other. It was funny.

I got to know his dog Prudence. A pug.

Things at work were looking up. I got a promotion.

And I received a huge bouquet of flowers at work one day. I was all excited and tore the card open.

They were from Rob.

I just stared at it.

I called him, feeling for the first time ever ANGRY to have received flowers.

I said, "Why NOW?"

He said he just wanted to congratulate me.

I felt as if he was making a last ditch attempt.

While I appreciated it in one way--he was at least expending some energy toward me rather than away from me--it was too little too late.

I told him that.

I was finally feeling like a person again.

I was going out with friends, paying my own bills, and for the first time ever, living on my own.

And there was this guy.

Joe.

I had already struck up a friendship with him at the bar I frequented (that sounds so lewd...the "bar" I frequented...)

I learned a lot about him.

He had been married too.

Twice.

I know for many that may raise some brows...but I had been married twice before too. I didn't necessarily see it as a deal breaker.

I found out his first wife passed away at a young age from cancer.

And his second was still part of his life. They still communicated.

It was one of those heady situations where I could decide the person I wanted to be. I could start fresh with this guy.

We got to know each other a lot just through living so close and yelling across the hall through our open doors to each other.

I knew I liked him immediately.

I know, I know...don't jump in. You just got out of 2 bad relationships...etc etc.

My little voice was saying all those same things to me.

There was just something about Joe.

He was sincere. And real, for better or worse.

He went out of town once, and I watched his dog. I had free rein to his apartment.

Not one porn.

Believe me, I know. I looked.

And after living as a private detective for so many years in my previous marriage, I knew where to look.

Nothing.

It was a huge breath of fresh air.

Now, don't get all fixated on me invading his privacy. He knows about my search.

And...don't get me wrong...it's not like Joe had a halo over his head...like anyone, he had his quirks and his faults. But they were typical, normal quirks.

I fell madly in love.

And chose to jump right in with both feet.

Turns out the feeling was mutual. Joe jumped in head first too.

This next part I'm not proud of, but I have to say I wouldn't change, either.

We got pregnant.

Insert panic attack here.

We knew we wanted to be together, but we really had JUST met, in reality.

I'd met his parents once and he had met none of my family.

My family was still reeling from the divorce. No one really saw that coming.

Even though some were aware of the problems Rob and I had previously. from the outside, it appeared we had it all worked out.

We lived in a nice house with good jobs, nice cars, and plenty of disposable income. If you've been following this blog from the first posts, you know what I came from. This was far different.

So, when I finally got in touch with my sister Missy after going AWOL on vacation and not answering her voicemails or emails, I explained.

And I waited for the yelling to start, like it did when I ran away with Doug.

But there was no yelling.

She actually shared some things with me about being concerned for my safety during the marriage.

If Rob actually was meeting up with people, was I protected?

I thought about the same thing.

She was very supportive.

And at a time I desperately needed support.

So...imagine my fear of now telling her that I was pregnant.

We told Joe's sister first. She was due to have a baby herself any moment when we told her.

She was wonderful.

We told his mom next.

She was great about it, but understandably worried about this girl who came into the picture so quickly and was now claiming to be pregnant. She had been there with Joe when his wife passed and when his second wife and he divorced.

I'm sure all her Mama Bear instincts kicked in.

In fact, I know they did as she and Joe had a heated, lengthy phone conversation while we were shopping one day. She found out I was technically still married.

**Side note: NEVER file for divorce online if you aren't sure what the court in your state requires. Our divorce took twice as long as it should have to finalize because our online paperwork wasn't right.**

It wasn't pretty.

But looking back, I can understand.

I knew it would just take time to win her over with my fab personality. *wink*

And then...it was time to tell my family.

I told my sister Mindy first.

She was always very open and cool about stuff like that. She held no judgments.

One of the things I truly admire about her.

She was exicted for us and happy to meet Joe.

And then we told my parents.

I swore them to secrecy from telling Missy until I could tell her myself.

They were also supportive (and maybe just a little shell shocked from all the crap I'd dropped on them over the years?)

Finally, it was time to  tell Missy.

She planned to come down and stay with me at my apartment for the weekend. We were going to have a Girls' weekend.

I drove the 2 hours to where she lived to pick her up. Then, as we were headed back on the highway, I couldn't wait another minute.

I pulled over at a rest stop and blurted it all out in one big teary confession.

She hadn't even heard about Joe at this point and here I was telling her about "meeting-this-guy-and-he's-terrific-and-you're-gonna-love-him-and-oh-my-gosh-I-keep-screwing-things-up-and-I'm-pregnant."

I could see in Missy's eyes that her wheels were spinning, trying to decode all that I had just said in one breath.

One thing clicked for sure.

"A baby?!" And then she cried.

Happy tears.

See, she knew me too, like my friend Dana did.

She knew my heart for kids and my longing to have a family.

And when baby enters the picture, it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. That baby is first and foremost.

We hugged and cried.

And then I pulled back out on the highway, headed to our Girls' Weekend.

That night Missy met Joe. We--naturally--went to karaoke where he was DJ'ing. Turns out that his brother-in-law owns the DJ business and Joe was helping him out while Joe got settled back into town.

All the while Missy and I were driving back into town, Joe was nervously texting me to see how the conversation went. And then they met.

Missy likes to recount their meeting by saying she knew he was a great guy when he told her, "The first time I hold that baby in a carrier (because he always wanted to wear the Baby Bjorn and carry the baby) and kiss its little head, I'll be the happiest man in the world."

Won. Her. Over.

While telling our families was awkward...imagine telling Rob that I was pregnant.

I called him and asked if we could meet for dinner.

When I found his car in the parking lot, I decided to tell him there rather than in the restaurant.

His response, "Yep, I figured you'd be pretty ripe right about now."

No clue what that meant.

He told me he figured me asking to meet up was either to tell him that or trying to rekindle things.

He also told me he'd had an idea a week before when I was over at his house finalizing divorce stuff and packing up the rest of my stuff because I went  to the bathroom about 20 times.

And then he told me..."I guess this is the period on the end of us. I guess I always thought it would just happen--us having kids."

I looked at him incredulously and said, "Just happen? You haven't touched me in forever."

It was a sad parting.

So was the day I signed the final divorce document. I drove over to his house and gave him back my rings. It was metaphorical.

Many said I should have kept them, but they represented something that I didn't want hanging around anymore. If I sold them, I'd never get their worth, and I didn't want to look at the representations of another failed marriage--even in a new jewelry setting.

I drove home that day sad. Sad at what had come of mine and Rob's 8 year relationship/4 year marriage.

And that night...Joe officially proposed.

We got married 3 months before our oldest was born.

I was hardly a blushing bride in white. Actually, I wore a red and black strapless number.

We got married in our house with candles all around and surrounded by our families.

It was small. It was intimate. It was perfect.

Since that time, we've had four more babies in record time.

We felt that we had missed so much time that we didn't want to wait.

And now we're surrounded by these 5, little, happy faces. Neither of us thought we'd have children because of our past marriages. Joe told me when we met that he had already resigned himself to not having kids. He thought he'd be a bachelor and that kids just weren't part of his future. I had felt the same way.

Meeting and marrying Joe was only the start of an amazing journey...

It certainly hasn't been all rainbows and unicorns.

Somethnig really hard for me to get past...feeling like I was in competition with Joe's first wife's memory.

Her name was Stacy.

Tell Her About It

The title is in honor of Billy Joel's song. I used to say that to Rob all the time.

My most quoted line to him was "Will that be a consolation when she's gone?"

"She" of course being me.

He said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but his actions and the way he treated me didn't add up to that.

There were times we laughed. There were times we enjoyed one another's company.

That's why I hung around for so long. I had that glimmer of what I thought we could be.

I was ready to start a family. I loved kids. I'd always seen myself having some. I thought we were at the point in our lives where it was "time."

Rob held off. And, if I can be frank with you (and I have been all along so why stop now?) we were barely more than roommates at this point, so short of a miraculous act like Christ's birth, it just wasn't going to happen.

I talked a lot with one of my friends (Dana) who lived where we had just moved from. Dana is one of my favorite people. She tells it like it is and is fiercely loyal. She also knows me very well. Good and bad.

I remember the conversation she and I had where I told her that I was resigning myself to never having children. I wanted to be faithful to my marriage and really didn't want to have another divorce. If being with Rob meant not having children, I was going to be resigned and honor my commitment. I trusted God to work it all out in the long run.

Dana thought that was nuts. She had kids of her own and knew that I adored kids and wanted some of my own. She also watched how good Rob was with her kids. It didn't add up.

Months prior to my karaoke weekends, I started attending church regularly and acted as the worship leader for a women's Bible study for a while. That means I led singing. I got very close to some of these women and became even more convinced that honoring my vows was paramount.

I had been begging Rob to go to counseling with me and work out some of this crap that had been built up between us.

Finally...he agreed. We found this hippie looking counselor who was close to our age. She was okay. I didn't mind her.

We attended a few sessions. It was a lot of filling in the backstory for the first few meetings. Of course, I threw out there the whole Internet thing concerning Rob. He said he knew that would be out there first.

And then, as we started talking about having a family, he finally admitted what was holding him back.

He said he thought I was too Polly Anna-ish and he didn't want me raising his "prodigy."

He said he could see it all:

Throwing ball with his son and his little girl running to greet him.

He could see himself with kids.

Just not with me.

He actually said that.

Talk about a knife in the gut.

That was the turning point for me.

He really didn't like me.

I don't think there was one thing about me that he really enjoyed.

I could be wrong about that.

But I don't think I am.

I think that's why he was so sloppy when he did things like going to meet up with people.

Once I washed his car for him-inside and out. I scrubbed it and vaccumed it.

And as I was vaccuming the inside, I found several strange things.

Under the front driver's seat I found a bottle of mouthwash and a prepaid calling card.

We had a home phone and cell phones.

What did he possibly need with a prepaid calling card??

I checked the available minutes...it was empty.

So he had obviously been using it.

To me...and I could be completely in left field here...that meant he was trying to hide something.

I could see if I'd found gum or mints...but mouthwash?

I asked him about it. I don't even remember what he said. It didn't matter.

I don't think I was even surprised. Just numb and so tired of it.

I even told him once that I thought he was sloppy on purpose so that I'd catch him and leave him. That way he wouldn't be the bad guy. I could do the dirty work and he could get what he'd wanted all long...freedom.

So, it was in these counseling sessions (during which I had started hanging out at the bar and singing karaoke on Fridays) that I admitted to the counselor and Rob that I was planning to move out.

Rob acted surprised.

After we left the session, we pulled over in a parking lot and talked about it.

I don't know if it was an act or if he truly didn't see it coming, but he acted as if he didn't want me to go.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I started actively looking at apartments.

There was so much emotion all wrapped up in this...fear, excitement, anticipation...

I'd NEVER lived on my own before. I made a decent salary for a single girl, so I believed I could support myself.

But oh I was afraid.

I wasn't exactly confident as far as bill paying and managing a household on my own because Rob handled all of that. And wouldn't let me help.

We argued many a time over the fact that he kept the checkbook at work and I never saw the bills or what he paid. He insisted that it was easier that way.

So, I had no idea what we had going out per month.

But I was determined to do this on my own.

One friend took me around to look at her apartment complex. It was nice but pricey.

I had chatted with the DJ at the bar before and found out he'd just moved back from the West coast. He told me about his complex. It was in a good neighborhood and affordable.

I made plans to look at it.

In the mean time, I'd left some aprtment brochures laying around my house. Not on purpose, but just left where I'd dropped my stuff. I know Rob saw them.

I was invited out of town on vacation with a friend and I jumped at the chance to go.

I know this is crappy, but I called Rob at work and left him a voice mail telling him I was going. I was gone for a week.

I texted him while I was gone to check in but never once did I call him.

My family was trying to reach me at that time too and I didn't answer emails or call back.

My sister Missy was beside herself.

She thought for sure I had been kidnapped and murdered.

When I got back, I put down a deposit on the apartment that was in the complex where the DJ (Joe) lived.

It was a huge complex.

And guess what?

The only 1 bedroom apartment available?

Right across the hall from Joe.

2 guys from work helped me move my stuff out of Rob's house while he was at work one day.

Rob knew I was leaving. I'd talked with him about it.

He said he thought I was just trying to use scare tactics by leaving the brochures around.

The day before I was set  to move out, I was napping and he came up to our room, laid next to me, held me and cried that he didn't want me to leave. He said, "I don't think I can do it." Meaning, let me go.

I was over it.

I told him that it was happening.

I'm not cold, but I'd had enough.

It was one of those defining moments.

I could have chosen to stay and continue our dysfunctional cycle or leave and get on with my life.

For so long I'd been torn about honoring my vows and knowing how God feels about divorce.

I know there are some verses that release me from the marriage because of marital unfaithfulness, but I really wanted to make this work.

It had gotten too far. I had lived in a prison for so long, that I was desperate to get out.

I was ready to stand on my own.

This was my chance.

It's funny, Kelly Clarkson's song "Breakaway" had just come out.

The lyrics really spoke to me.

That's what I was doing. I was breaking away.

It was like being on the launching pad of so many great things.

I was sad to know that the marriage had failed. Knowing that it was me who pulled the trigger.

But I don't think I really did--or was the only one who did.

Rob had given up a long time ago.

I think he just let me do the dirty work.

So...I moved in to my own place.

And got to know this funny, cute guy named Joe who was now my neighbor.

Everything Changes

I applied on a whim at a post secondary school in downtown. The position was to travel to high schools and speak with seniors about their future plans and also to try to recruit them to come to my school.

The interview was a group interview.

Rob told me not to get my hopes up because it was probably a sales scheme.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

** And, by the way, no...Rob had no idea that I had made plans to hook up with payroll guy. He knew I was planning a trip to the corporate office, but that's it. Although if he reads (??) he knows now. **

So I bought a new suit and got all gussied up for my interview.

I stood in front of a room of people and talked about why I would be a good fit for the position.

I was called back for a solo interview.

After the solo interview, I was told they'd call by the week's end either way.

Rob assured me they wouldn't call.

They called. And offered me the job.

And I started a whole new career.

I can't even begin to describe what it was I did and how it affected me. It was amazing.

I traveled a lot and enjoyed it. Mostly day trips.

I worked with the best people. They were all around my age and so much fun.

We started hanging out and going to happy hour together.

We had a company party once at a local bar downtown. I almost didn't go because I'd been up at 4 that morning and traveled 6 hours round trip. I was exhausted, but everyone was there and having fun...

There was karaoke there.

I'd never sung karaoke before, but liquid courage played a huge part in me getting up and singing Madonna with one of my friends.

That led to a few other songs.

Good times.

It quickly became a tradition. Friday nights were our night to head to that bar and sing our hearts out.

One friend in particular who I confided quite a bit in was my partner in crime for karaoke. We were known for our rockin' Madonna duets and I had so much fun with her.

I had started dropping some weight, wearing better clothes, and feeling good about myself.

I know I looked better. I can see it in pictures from then.

I was regaining confidence.

I kept asking Rob to come with me and see me sing.

He kept declining.

Finally, for my birthday, he agreed to join me and my friend and her date.

We showed up at the bar a little early.

And there was a new DJ. His name was Joe.

As usual, my friend and I chatted him up (we did all the DJs who had worked there). Unexpectedly, Joe played Happy Birthday for me and the whole bar sang.

You see, this bar was like my "Cheers." When I would walk in, the bartender would have a glass of white Zinfandel waiting for me. We were "regulars" and everyone knew us and we knew everyone.

When I got up to do a solo to one of my fave songs, my friend talked Rob and her date into moving up closer to the stage. Rob reluctantly agreed. He sat in front of me, but I think he only looked at me twice. I think he was embarrassed.

Who cares. I gave the performance of a lifetime. Ha!

I loved being with these people. They liked me and they enjoyed spending time with me.

It had been a while since I'd felt that excitement to hang out with people. Rob and I had been living the life of roommates for so long and he admittedly avoided my company at all costs,  that I forgot what it was like to have people actually seek out time with me.

Eveything was about to change. There was a new sheriff in town.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

And it was a beautiful wedding.

In a rose garden. With my family and friends.

I had the dress of my dreams and felt like a princess that day.

Then we headed off to the honeymoon. To Barbados.

I swear from the moment he put that ring on my finger, I started gaining weight. I'd never been in danger of being "skinny" but I was average. Slowly I started gaining and my clothes felt different.

I was still comfortable when we got married, but I noticed that things were starting to change.

Weight was a big deal to Rob. His ex-girlfriend gained a lot of weight while they were together and he always talked about it to me. How he hated it and she would tell him, "Just accept it. I'm fat!" He hated that she had accepted it. In fact, it enraged him.

Andy told Rob once (and he, of course told me) to remind me what happened between Rob and his ex...how they broke up because she had gained so much weight. Maybe that would keep me from "blowing up" Andy had said.

So....I like to psycho analyze myself then and I think that I gained weight for a few reasons...

*I was extremely unhappy. I ate to comfort myself and probably held onto that weight because I had so much inner turmoil.

*Maybe I gained to protect myself. If I wasn't attractive, he wouldn't want to shop me around to strangers.

*I hated myself and the things I was allowing to happen in my life.

I look at pictures of myself back then and I am amazed. And so sad.

Not only was I heavy, but my face was so swollen and the bags under my eyes were so dark. One look at me and even a complete stranger could tell that I was miserable.

It's no secret to those who know me or read my other blog that I am struggling with my weight right now. And have for a few years. BUT weight gain from pregnancy is a far cry different from weight gain as a healthy, active 20-something.

It was on our honeymoon that Rob and I talked about the fact that I wasn't enough for him. I said something to that effect and he said, "Yep. That's right."

It was right as our waitress came to take our order and I couldn't talk because I was trying not to cry. It had always been an undercurrent, but he'd never come out and said it.

And there it was.

When he saw my eyes fill up, he quickly said, "Oh my gosh. No! I didn't realize what you said!"

I don't believe that. There was no way to misunderstand what I said.

So at least I knew exactly where I stood. And here we were married now.

The rest of our honeymoon we fought and bickered. About everything.

It wasn't my dream vacation. Which was apparent to my family because I called home several times. I was homesick.

We got back and tried to settle into a routine. And we did. We just continued to ignore the glaring issues in the marriage and pretend to be the happy newlyweds. No one knew what was going on from the outside.

Then the decision was made to move to where Rob was from originally. I was terrified. I was leaving a place I had made friends and had become comfortable for some place (a big city) where I knew no one.

I was able to transfer with my job in retail and he took a job with another retail corporate office.

We set up in corporate housing again, ready to start house hunting.

We also continued to fight.

We were trying to sell our old house and had been traveling back and forth on weekends to clean and fix it up to put it on the market. Rob planned to go back one weekend without me and I expressed my displeasure at that idea. He, of course, was indignant. He was angry that I didn't trust him (really?). He was going anyway whether I liked it or not.

On my way home from work the day he was supposed to leave, someone pulled out in front of me and totaled my car. I wasn't injured thankfully, but my car was dead on arrival. The whole front was smashed in and it was leaking like Niagara Falls.

It was quite a scene at a busy intersection. We lived in the north part of the city at the time and I worked in the south, so I was quite a ways from home where it happened. A guy who managed a gas station close by let me use the phone to call Rob. I told him what happened and asked him to come and get me.

Do you know that he was mad?

He told me later that he thought I had done that on purpose to keep him from going home that weekend.

What an ass.

I don't even remember him asking if I was okay. He was annoyed.

He did reluctantly come and get me.

And he also went out of town as planned.

I'm sure he had plans to hook up with someone and didn't want to break them.

We had quite the heated discussion...and he told me that he would let me stay as long as I needed to until I found a plce to live.

Naturally, I bawled and begged to work it out.

Again...how sad that I had such little self respect.

We sort of did. Work things out.  I think we just came to expect those hills and valleys in our marriage. We'd just kind of sweep it under the carpet. It was our normal.

Finally, we found a house. We settled into a routine.

I was store manager of a women's boutique. He was still at the corporate office of a national retailer.

His job was very stressful. And he managed to find another group of people who loved to go out. All the time. After work.

His office parties were always employee only (or so he told me) so I was never invited to any of them. It wasn't until several months (a year?) in that I met anyone he worked with in a social setting.

I remember one party he went to he told me he'd be home by a certain time and, of course, didn't make it home by then. He also was not answering his cell phone.

When he finally did pull in the driveway, I watched him park all crooked in the drive, struggle to carry all his stuff and shut the door at the same time, and stumble in the house.

He came in, reeking of alcohol, and passed out on the couch.

I stood over him and yelled for him to wake up.

Nothing.

I grabbed the front of his shirt and shook him up and down several times.

Nothing.

I hated him at that moment. More than ever.

This had become our life.

He would leave for work early and stay really late.

He'd already admitted it was because he didn't want to come home. To me.

He hated that I didn't trust him. He hated that I questioned him.

I stood there that night, looking at him, and literally had to hold myself back--with everything in me--to keep from smothering him with  a pillow that was on the couch. Honestly.

I very clearly remember looking at the pillow. Then looking at him. Then looking at the pillow. Then looking at him.

I think I slapped his cheek to wake him up and told him that if he was so unhappy, he could march his ass down to the courthouse and file for divorce.

He proceeded to pass out again.

So I called his mom. It was late, but I was at my wit's end.

I drove over to her house and we sat up and talked.

I admitted to her that we were having problems and had been for some time. I also told her that he had an obsession with wanting to bring someone else into the relationship.

Yep. I did.

She's a psychologist. She's heard it all.

I was desperate for her to understand me and hear me. I couldn't tell anyone else this.

She was surprised, but not shocked.

She told me she was so sad that we were having troubles.

Finally, I went home. Rob was still passed out.

I did tell him the next day about going to his mom's. I didn't tell him what I had shared with her specifically.

Maybe a big part of me told his mom because he was always the apple of his mom's eye. Everybody liked Rob. He was funny, personable. When we were together, we were the life of the party. We laughed. We looked the part. We played the game. I just wanted someone to know what it was really like inside our 4 walls.

I also think that because I had never been on my own, I didn't  think I could be. I was scared to be alone and on my own.

And after a while, that dysfunctional relationship--as totally screwed up as it is--is actually less scary than the unknown of striking out on your own and starting a new life.

I stood on that ledge for so long.

Too long.

And instead of getting out and and working on fixing myself and becoming whole again, I did what I had come to know...I looked to other people to make me feel whole.

I started flirting with the payroll guy at work.

Over the phone.

We exchanged pictures and used to email back and forth.

He was clear on the other coast. But it didn't matter. We'd find reasons to call each other.

And then, I actually planned a trip to the corporate office (where he worked) with every intention of meeting and hooking up with him.

I even told him as much.

The plan was for him to pick me up at the airport.

Luckily for me. I got fired TWO DAYS BEFORE I was supposed to fly out.

I'd already purchased the ticket and booked the hotel and everything.

I believe God truly does work in mysterious ways.

I did something so stupid and any other time I believe that I would have received a slap on the wrist. But for my own safety, I believe that God worked it out that I was removed from my job. If only to save me. From myself.

And it did.

I obviously canceled my trip.

And I found out payroll guy called the store looking for me and asked if he was still supposed to pick me up at the airport.

He could have been who knows...a serial killer. Or a rapist.

And I was so starved for attention and so ready to spite Rob that I was willing to go to such great lengths.

I'm still embarrassed about that. But so thankful that I was saved from myself. I was living the very efinition of insanity: doing  the same thing and expecting a different result. When would I learn that seeking that attention from someon else was trouble?

All the sudden I was unemployed and looking for a new job.

Enter one of the most pivotal and life-changing jobs in my life.

Happily Ever After...?

So Iwound up at Andy and Anna's. Sadly, that is the only place I had to go. And if I'm going to be honest, I wanted to tarnish a little the squeaky clean image Andy had of Rob. Not very nice or mature, I know.

And not very practical, either. Considering Andy was hardly a Boy Scout himself.

I spent the night there. Ironically, it was Andy's birthday so I ended up going out to dinner with them. To Joe's Crab Shack. That sticks in my mind.

I forgot to mention that after I confronted Rob with the proof that I knew he was being less than honest with me, he took a long drive. I don't know where, but I'm pretty sure that he drove back over by the Red Roof in (on the other side of town) and did a little backstory, cover up work. There's a shopping plaza off the highway there called Taylor Square. All the sudden, he came home to tell me the details of this girl he'd met online and had intended to go meet at a McDonalds close to the Red Roof Inn. He said she'd given the Red Roof Inn as a landmark and he called to get directions.

Sure.

He said he sat at the McDonald's for a long time and she never showed.

Sure.

Her name?

He said it was Taylor.

Sure.

Even at the time, as gullible as I was, I didn't believe him for a second.

I believe he drove over that way to see what was near the hotel and made up this ridiculous story around that.

Was there ever a Taylor?

I don't know. Nor will I ever really know.

Was he meeting up with this broad Sherri from work?

No clue. I'll probably never know that either.

Where was he the day he said he had to work half a day and then I caught him in a lie?

I got nothin.'

These things used to haunt me and make me lie awake at night.

Now I just wonder from time to time.

Anyway....here I was at Andy and Anna's.

I left from their house the next day for work and decided to detour to my house.

Mistake.

Rob was there and he'd written me this letter telling me how he felt so bad and he'd been up talking to his mom the night before.

They agreed that we were such a great couple.

And then he finished it by saying that he realized he wasn't right for me and that he understood why I wanted to move on.

I should have said, "Yep! You're right. See ya."

Instead, I did what so many women do...I made him promise he'd never lie to me again and we decided to give it another go.

And then we set a new date for the wedding, pushing it up 4 months.

Are you rolling your eyes? I am!

Lord, why oh why did I not have enough self-respect to GET OUT?!

*sigh*

But we continued on.

The situation actually did put a wedge between Andy and Rob. The funny thing?

Andy was mad that Rob would have gone to meet someone and not tell HIM.

Really? These are the people I surrounded myself with?

But I loved Rob. I wanted to believe all the things I told myself about him. I loved his mom. I wanted to be a family with him.

And I still had that ridiculous notion that he just hadn't met the right woman yet (me!) to make him settle down.

I once had a friend tell me that if I felt in my heart he was unfaithful, I needed to listen  to that.

But I didn't.

As with so many things, I turned a blind eye and a deaf ear.

Instead we went ahead with plnas for a beautiful garden wedding. Oh the excitment.

It's easy to get caught up in the planning and the fairy tale aspect of things and forget that you can't trust your fiance. I was so busy looking at wedding dresses, lattice, tulle, and reception venues that I conveniently stopped thinking about all the lies, half truths, inconsistencies, and negative aspects of our relationship.

This was going to be my happily ever after if it killed me, damnit!

And it almost did. At least my spirit.

Don't Go Away Mad...Just Go Away

Rob and Andy worked at the same place. It was a building full of 20 and 30 somethings who made a good living, sat in cubicles all day, and happy-houred themselves silly every weekend.

It was fun. I got to know some neat people. They were all funny, good-time co-workers.

I became a little uncomfortable of one woman in particluar, though. She sat near Rob in their "pod" which is essentially a big cubicle with 4 people. Her name was Sheri. She liked to be called Sher.

They had waaaaay too much in common for my liking. The liked the same kind of music, they were both from a retail managament background, and they had 8 hours a day to chat.

I had this bad feeling. I couldn't pinpoint it and Rob poo-pooed it, of course.

I mean, I liked her well enough, and she was always very nice to me, but there was something...off.

Like, once when we were all out for happy hour, I caught her staring at me. I told Rob later that I felt like she was watching me...and wanted to be me.

I know that sounds incredibly conceited. I can't explain it. I have always had a significant gut instinct (even though I had typically chosen to ignore it) and I could just sense things often.

And I sensed something with her. Like maybe if there wasn't something going on between them already, there could be if someone made a move...

Anyway, I digress a little...

One weekend another friend from my past JCPenney's came to visit. Marybeth. She and I went to a great community festival and we invited Rob to go. He declined saying he didn't feel well.

I tried to call him several times while we were out, but got no answer at home.

When we finally made it back to the house, we found that Rob's car wasn't in the garage. In fact, Marybeth had parked in the driveway right behind his car and he had somehow managed to make it out. I mean...she was right behind his car. I still don't know how he did it.

He wasn't home, but left a note saying that he went to have his car looked at and then to the gym. Marybeth stayed for a bit and then got on the road.

I sat at home alone and stewed about where he was. He'd been gone a while, although I had no idea how long since the note didn't have a time on it.

I tried calling him again. Nothing.

Finally...he got home. Wearing his regular clothes.

He took the dog out and I ran to the garage, yanked open his car and found his gym bag.

With his clean smelling and neatly folded gym clothes inside.

I don't know about you, but when I go to the gym, I usually wear my gym clothes.

And they're ANYTHING BUT clean smelling and neatly folded when I'm done with them.

I had a knot in the pit of my stomach.

When he came over to kiss me, I made a point to inhale deeply.

Nothing.

Weird. No sweat, no cologne, no nothing.

Before he'd gotten home, I found our phone left in the office upstairs and hit "redial."

An automated recording answered.

For the Red Roof Inn.

They were kind enough to include directions to their location.

I got in my car and drove to that hotel. I drove through the parking lot.

I didn't see his car.

So, already I was on high alert. I knew something wasn't right.

But I let it go. For now.

The next day we were driving in his car and the problem he'd been having (the reason he supposedly went to the dealership to have it looked at) was still acting up. I commented, "Hmmm, that's weird. You better tell them they didn't fix the problem when you were there yesterday." Playing dumb. He didn't respond.

Finally, Monday rolled around and I called the dealership. They had no record that he was there. They assured me they would have to have a record if he'd brought it in.

Then I called the gym.

They told me that he had not been there that day. He would have had to check in at the front desk. And he hadn't.

So there it was....all layed out in front of me. There were pieces and they weren't adding up, but I still didn't know what it all meant, specifically.

Then, while I was on the computer. I found it. The Mother Load.

I still, to this day, don't know how I found it.

We had Comcast as our service provider. Somehow, I stumbled across an AOL account.

His.

I couldn't figure out his password, but SOMEHOW I was able to see the emails he sent. I could see who they were sent to, who they were from, and the subject, even though I couldn't open and see the body of the email.

What I could see was enough. They were all from and to women.

Women I didn't know. Some that included pictures, even though I couldn't see the picture, I could see that there was a picture attached.

And I could also see that he'd used a picture that I had taken of him on vacation as the one he sent out to interested parties.

I was sick.

I called him at work.

Oh yes I did.

And I layed out all my evidence. All the reasons I knew he was lying. I told him I'd found his hidden email and that I was done. I was leaving.

Then, I drove to his work. And I marched back to his cube and took our picture out of the frame and tore it in half.

Oh yes I did.

I made a little scene. Not enough to get thrown out, but enough that his neighbors knew something was happening.

He came home early from work that day while I was packing. I left the email open for him on the computer so he could see it.

He walked in the office, with his hands sheepishly dug in his pockets, eyeballed the computer, and then said, "Son of a bitch. You did find it."

I was disgusted. That's what he had to say to me?

We had taken out a loan to pay for the wedding plans and put that money in a CD.

Somehow, I was able to cash it out myself (without his signature or permission) and I wrote him a letter saying that he could be responsible for the loan but I was taking the money to start my new life without him.

I also took the ring and threw it at him.

I then called everyone I knew and told them what a pig he was.

I feel so bad for everyone now. I burdened them with all this stuff. I'm sure they were thinking, "Well, yeah!"

I packed a bag...and went to stay with Andy and Anna. As much as I thought Andy was also a pig, I had nowhere esle to go.

It's The World I Know

So I thought for exactly 3.2 seconds before agreeing to move with Rob.

This was it. I'd been waiting my whole life for this kind of mature, adult relationship with a man who was successful in his career, financially stable, and exciting.

Let's just nevermind that I still couldn't call him by his first name.

And NO, I didn't call him Mr. Smith...I called him Babe.

Or Honey.

It worked for us.

We packed up and moved about 3 hours away to a great city with lots of culture and opportunity.

Luckily (?) Rob's friend and his new wife already lived there so we'd have built-in friends right off the bat.

At this point in my life, I'd already carefully distanced myself from pretty much everyone in my family, so moving was not an issue. Things between me and Missy were fine, but distant. The same with me and my other sister. Things with me and my parents were amicable. Maybe they were glad I seemed happy and was moving on with my life.

Rob and I were set up in corporate housing for a while and happily went house hunting.

We settled on one that I fell in love with.

I found a job in management working retail. It was my first management job and I felt all kinds of important. I was bringing home a decent paycheck and contributing financially.

Rob's job was at the corporate office of a national retail chain. It was exciting stuff. Here we were white collar and playing house. We lived in a beautiful neighborhood with a beautiful home and solid, professional jobs. Nice.

Of ourse, I was gunning for a ring in the worst way. I was ready. I thought, this was my white picket fence. Let's make this official.

Rob, in his thirties, was A-OK with our situation as it was. But we lived as if we were married in every other way.

Things seemed to be going well. I felt very lucky to be living the life I was.

But I always knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't enough for him.

He was a self proclaimed agnostic and, even though I was not actively attending church or reading my Bible, and I WAS actively living outside of the life God would want for me, I still held my convictions somewhere deep in my heart.

It was a daily battle with my conscience and I thought that if we just got married already, the guilt would ease a little.

We debated often about religion. Nothing too heated, but enough that it was a wedge between us on some level.

I tried to attend a church in the area, but I couldn't find one I liked. And working retail does not allow for very many Sundays off.

I was, as Rob used to call me, very "Polly-Anna-ish." He thought I saw the world through rose-colored glasses. Now I think that's hilarious considering all that had happened before I even met him. He liked to tell me he had a dark side and didn't want to pollute me with it.

I knew it was there.

He had some quirks that I tried to look past.

Like porn.

Oh my, the porn.

Not a stack found underneath the couch...boxes and boxes that he refused to get rid of.

He said they were collectors items.

It didn't matter that I absolutely HATED them.

They might be worth money some day.

Rob also had some....out there...ideas about what would be fun to do as a couple.

My mother reads this, so I won't get too technical.

Let's just say that I knew I would never be enough.

Unless I was ready to let down my guard and stop being such a "prude" he would never really be happy with me.

Remember that I was 21. I had zero self-esteem and I had spent a lot of my past trying to make someone else happy. All to end up getting kicked in the teeth.

And yet...here I was again. Struggling with the same fear. I wasn't good enough.

And his friend...the one who lived there...he was poison in our relationship.

Andy. Andy and his wife Anna. Andy was a body builder. He loved himself and thought he was IT. Everything he did was about show. His wife Anna was beautiful. She was also not exactly a Yale candidate. I mean, she was educated and some may even say smart, but she also seemed very gullible. She ate up anything Andy said. Rob had told me things about Andy (like how he carried on affairs with women he worked with) so I felt like Anna just closed her eyes to most of this.

Andy acted like he liked me to my face. But behind my back (according to Rob anyway) he would tell Rob I was a "head case" and that if I would only lose about 10 lbs, I would be perfect.

So I don't know if Andy actually said that stuff or if Rob just told me Andy did? I don't really much care now. They're both lumped in the same category in my head.

I actually tried to be more bold. I allowed him to put my picture on websites (FULLY CLOTHED, mind you.) These websites were like E-Harmony but for couples looking for other couples.  The idea was to meet 'like-minded' people. It wasn't exactly swinging, per se, but he had this crazy "Every Man's Fantasy" thing and he wanted to include me in it.

I was horrified, but also wanting so desperately to make him happy that I conceded to the website. Maybe I thought he'd grow tired of the idea and nothing would come of it? We actually met up with a couple of people. Awkward meetups in bars where we chatted and got to know each other and the whole time, in the back of my mind, I knew that both men in the group had the same idea...how can we get these two girls together?

Ugh. I'm grossed out even just remembering it. And so angry that I ever put myself out there like that. Knowing now what I do about online predators, I am appalled that I ever thought it was harmless to do that.

Both meetups did not result in anything more than me feeling like I needed to shower immediately. Thank God.

Pretty soon, I realized that all the porn magazines had also led to online porn. There were tons of sites that I could see in the computer's history.

It wasn't long until our personal life was slim to none. I didn't get it. Here I was, trying to entertain his crazy fantasies and he still wanted nothing to do with me.

I think that no matter what I would have done it wouldn't have been enough. He resented me for not wanting to do it and if I had done it, he probably would have lost all respect for me.

Here's where I may get the timeline of some events confused...

One Christmas, my sister Missy came to stay. I had to work, but Rob only had to work a half day. I tried calling his desk from the store, but kept getting his voicemail. I finally called around to the main desk and got a security guard. He told me the office was closed and no one was in the building. And no one had been.

Hmmmm. I called home about every 15 minutes, and got nothing.

When I FINALLY got Rob on the phone, I told him what the security guard said. He finally told me that he was afraid to tell me that he didn't work because he thought I'd be mad that he was off and I wasn't.

WTF?

I was so furious. He came to pick me up that night with my sister (who arrived after he got home). I was so angry I couldn't even look at him. I never did find out where he was.

I eventually left retail for a nannying job. I nannied for 2 doctors in their home. They had 2 adorable little girls.

And feeling like a piece of crap.

Rob and I got along and seemed happy, despite the above story, but there were definitely some missing pieces. He still hadn't proposed and our personal life left a lot to be desired. Literally.

I saw my doctor (not the ones I nannied for) who confirmed that I was depressed and she prescribed an antidepressant. Rob was less than thrilled. He was not supportive at all. He didn't like the idea of me having to take a chemical in order to be "happy." I took it anyway.

It helped me to stabilize my emotions. Prior to taking it, I had a couple of bad episodes of laying on the floor and crying, hysterically, for no reason. Rob wasn't home. I would never have let him see me like that. That's why I was more than willing to try anything. I just wanted to feel normal.

Then...Christmas rolled around and on Christmas Eve I got the biggest surprise. An engagment ring. And it was beautiful.

Rob had gone all out to create this lavish proposal where he spelled out "WILL YOU" using roses and had music playing. There was even a bottle of champagne and the fire was burning.

This is it! I thought this was finally the turning point for us.

But you know better than that, don't you?

It was only a short time after that my world came crashing down.

Again.

Dumb & Dumber

Even before the ink was dry on the divorce papers, Rob and I became an item. I guess you could call it that. At least I thought so. Now, looking back, I'm pretty convinced I was more a steady booty call for him at the time.

He'd already broken up with his girlfriend and I gladly took her place.

We kept our relationship a secret (which seemed to fit right in with the way I'd been living for the past couple of years) because I wasn't sure how everyone would react.

My sister was still friends with Carla & Grant, something that grated on me. Whenever she would chat about them, I would tell her to be discerning or careful. Of course she had no idea why I was saying that.

She and I talked about this just recently...we can't remember the timeline for when I finally told her. But I eventually dropped the bomb. I think it was actually before I moved back to Arkansas for the second time. When her husband, my brother-in-law Chris found out, he went berserk.

You see, Chris and Grant were never in danger of being friends. Sure, there was a time that they were chummy because my sister adored them and was best friends with Carla. But, as Grant tended to do with most men, he rubbed Chris the wrong way. Too many chiefs, you could say. Alpha Dog and all that.

So, Chris sunk his teeth into this new way to bring Grant down off his 'high horse.' He went before the church. So, it was brought back up all over again. In came Tony and his wife this time (I have no idea why she wasn't included the first time), Grant and Carla, Roy and Connie and Chris and Missy. Meetings were held, voices were raised. Feathers were ruffled.

As far as I remember (since I was not included in these meetings) still nothing happened. Other than some bruised egos. In fact, I think everyone involved (other than my sister and brother-in-law) was more annoyed that I had rehashed it and dared tell anyone else about it. In their minds it had been settled once and for all at the last set of meetings. I think they thought I was being vengeful. More of my supposition.

My sister became just as disillusioned with the church as I had become. She was in a bad place...hurting for me and hurting for her lost friendship and the realization that the people she thought she knew and trusted had kept this secret for years. A secret that affected someone she dearly loved. Yours truly.

Fast forward now back to where I left off.

So, here I am home again. Living with my parents. Doug officially filed for dissolution and had an attorney. We discussed everything in advance. We both met with the attorney and put it all on paper. When we got to the part about separating assets, we only had credit cards to divvy up.

The part about whether there were any children as part of the union got me.

We answered "No" but in my heart I still grieved the loss of our child.

For some reason, I always felt if the baby had lived it would have been a girl. I named her (if only in my heart). Adrianna.

Anyway, the day came for us to appear in court and finalize everything. My good friend from work, Sharyn went with me. Doug and I went in the courtroom. We both got up and testified about where we were married and that we agreed to dissolve the marriage. And then it was over. Like that.

We left the courtroom, and as Sharyn and I were walking down the stairs to go to our car, I glanced out the window and saw Doug drive past. That sight will always stick with me.  It was the period on the end of a tumultuous 2 years.

But onward I went...with a new guy and a new outlook on life.

I was going to enjoy life and have a good time. I had tried the straight and narrow and it just didn't seem to lead to good things. I was now 20 years old and ready to take the world by storm.

I transferred to a different Penney's in a location about an hour away. I met some great frineds there too. Closer to my age. And they liked to go out.

Pretty soon, my life became all about going out, hooking up with Rob, and having a good time. I was still living with my parents, but slowly leaving things behind at Rob's house, and staying there the majority of the time.

The Internet had just come out then and Rob had it; dial up. He used to spend a lot of time on the computer looking up random things. (Red Herring #1)

For his birthday, I bought him a cell phone. It was one of those Zach Morris ones that was almost as big as his living room. (Red Herring #2)

Once when he went out of  town, I went over to his place to take care of his rabbit. His home phone rang once and then abruptly cut off. I remember thinking  that was weird. Another time, when he was there, his phone rang and then the answering machine picked up. But the volume was turned all the way down.

Another time (you're going to hear that a lot for a minute), I was getting ready in his room and I noticed a piece of paper on his dresser. He'd written, "Have to cancel. Rain check?" It wasn't a note to me. And it was with a bunch of miscellaneous "pocket" paraphenalia.

Another time he sat me down and asked me if I had left something on his front door. I said no until he finally believed me. Then he produced an enormous card that had lollipos taped all over it and a very crass message addressed to him. Um, no. Not from me.

And then....one day I got home (to my parents' house) to find a letter adressed to me in weird block letters. The actual letter was typed and was full of warnings to stay away from Rob because I was merely "another notch on his bed post." It was signed, "Your Worst Enemy."

Needless to say, I was freaked out.

I went to his house immediately, but he wasn't home. I looked in his mailbox (I don't know what possesssed me to do that) and found a card from his ex-girlfriend with the same postmark (out of town) that the letter had. It had arrived the same day as my scary letter. Hmmmm, I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but...

I went to the police thinking that my life had just been threatened. Naturally, they could do nothing. I finally was able to show Rob the letter and presented my theory that his ex had sent it. He said he would handle it.

Sometime later, at night, he said he talked with her on the phone. I tried repeatedly to call him during this time, but his line was busy for close to an hour. When I finally did get through to him, he told me how he confronted her and she denied it.

Soon, it was forgotten.

On another trip out of town (Rob told me he was going out of town to see his buddy) he presented me with a gift. It was in a shopping bag. A sweater (and an ugly one, at that). And there was something else...the receipt. And guess what? It was bought in another town far from his buddies.' Interestingly (coincidentally?) it was bought in the same town where his ex lived.

I was furious. I asked him to fess up about where he bought it. He didn't know that I'd seen the receipt. He swore up and down that he'd bought it in his buddy's town. Finally, I threw the receipt at him.

Egg.on.the.face.

He finally had to admit that he'd been in his ex's hometown BUT not there to see her. He was there to see his other friends from when he'd lived there years before (which is how he met her.)

I accepted that lame excuse. The me of today wants to shake the me of years ago.

I knew he'd been seeing someone else before me even while he was with his ex girlfriend. This other girl lived far away, but he said they'd hook up when she was in town. From what I understood, she was pretty out there and not afraid of a good time.

I also knew that when he worked at all these other JCPenney's stores in different cities, he'd had affairs with several women at each. Even while he was with his then girlfriend.

Ugh. There are so many things wrong with that-- I don't even know where to start.

What was wrong with me??

Pretty soon, Rob found out he was being transferred. He found another job that landed him in another city. And he asked me to move with him.

Losing My Religion

Working at Penney's was fun for me. I loved the people in my department.

I also thought Mr. Smith was pretty terrific.

He was not from the area originally and I liked that he was so different from everyone in my life up until that point. He had this air of big-city sophistication about hime. He was educated, smart, in a position of authority (okay, so that part wasn't so different from everyone else) and made me laugh. He didn't talk down to me or treat me like a little kid.

More importantly, he knew nothing about my past.

After the issue with the (in my opinion) failed church meetings, I was growing more disillusioned with church and with the people at mine specifically. I'd had bad experiences pretty much with everyone involved--who I had confided in or reached out to-- from my home church to the college staff.

I started experimenting with fashion choices that I normally would not have. My skirts got a little shorter and tighter. My hair got shorter and a little funkier. And I paid a little more attention to my makeup.

I was far from being a harlot, but this was quite the departure from the way I used to dress. Long dresses, knee length shorts, frumpy anything, etc.

I also started flirting with Mr. Smith. Or did he flirt with me first? I have no idea. I don't remember. I just know that I started looking forward to work more and more. I was disappointed when he wasn't working. I was especially disappointed when his girlfriend came to visit once.

I eyed her up and down, mentally calculating her every flaw.

Pretty soon, after a lot of flirting and conversations filled with innuendos, Mr. Smith called me into his office. He asked me if I would be interested in having "a discreet, intimate affair." Exact words.

I wanted to melt into the chair. I was both terrified and exhilirated. This man, this sophisticated, successful MAN, was interested in ME. Seriously?

I agreed.

I know,  you're probably groaning and yelling at your computer screen, "NO! DON'T DO IT!"

That's the same thing that little voice in my head was screaming. Only it was so faint because I had stopped listening to it, and I was able to ignore it.

We started exactly that...a discreet, intimate affair. On the night of his 31st birthday. I was 19.
Once again, I closed my eyes and did what I wanted to anyway. Regardless of what I know to be right.

The affair went on for several months. Until I confessed everything to Doug.

He reacted in a strange way. Not like I thought he would. But then, no one was reacting like I thought they would, so I guess my radar was way off.

I continued to work at Penney's for a while. No one knew about me and Mr. Smith except Doug. He trusted me enough to continue working there.

But that was a mistake.

Things may have lulled for a while with Mr. Smith, but they never fully ended.

When Doug found out again...he made a decision. We were moving back to Arkansas.

I passed on the news to Mr. Smith (who I NEVER called by his first name, FYI. I couldn't. I think Freud would have a field day with that. ) After a tearful goodbye and exchanged mix tapes (what grade were we in anyway??) I drove away from him for what I thought was the last time, feeling like I was leaving the love of my life. You see, I had fallen madly in love with Mr. Smith...this man who I couldn't bring myself to call by his first name. I respected his authority too much to call him Rob.

Doug and I packed up (again) and drove 1000 miles. At least this time we had a nice apartment and new furniture. I was able to transfer with Penney's and he got yet another pizza delivery job.

This is what I had wanted for so long. A place of our own, not living in poverty, and steady jobs.

So was I finally happy?

I was miserable. I hated every second of it.

Rob had bought me a calling card to use so I could keep in touch. He also called me at work occasionally to see how I was doing. Those calls were my lifeline.

I told him I wouldn't be in Arkansas long. I didn't have a plan, but I knew I wasn't staying there.

I think it was only a matter of weeks before I told Doug it was over, I wanted out.

It was pretty anticlimactic. It was mutual and actually kind of friendly. We both knew it was headed that way, so it was only a matter of voicing it to each other.

So we packed BACK up...and headed back home. Only this time, we drove separately and went to different places once we got back in town. I went to stay with my parents and he went with his.

I called Rob the moment I got to my parents' house. I hadn't been able to reach him all weekend. He wasn't answering his phone.

He was surprised to hear my voice and find out I was back. For good.

I immediately drove over to his house.

It was a new start....again.

Home Sweet Home

We moved home in the summer of 1996. Almost one year had passed since we ran away and eloped.

We set up residence in Doug's parents' house in his childhood bedroom. It's just what every new bride dreams of. I had cart blanche to decorate our "room" any way I wanted.

The positive side of all that is that we paid absolutely nothing for living there.

We both worked. I got a job at JCPenney's in the mall. I remember hating the idea of working full time. I think I was just mentally exhausted.

I remember crying before my interview because I was so sad at the idea of working full time. I wore the same oufit I'd worn to my graduation open house; a pink gingham jumper and a ribbon in my hair. I looked like I'd just stepped off Sunnybrook Farm.

The manager who interviewd me was Mr. Smith. He was a young, good looking professional. He intimidated me from the start because he wore a suit and tie and was the "boss." He seemed to like that I had worked at Shoney's and we had a ridiculously long conversation about french toast sticks.

I was hired. Just like that.

I started soon after and was put in the men's department. Which was also Mr. Smith's department. It was there I met some of the most wonderful people in the world. And some who would end up playing quite a role in my future.

It was during that time of working at Penney's that I morphed the most dramatically.

I was increasingly disillusioned with "married" life. I was sad and lonely. Doug worked late nights delivering pizza and I worked days. I hated living in his parents' house with very little privacy and feeling like a kid when I thought we were supposed to be leaving his parents and "cleaving" to one another. Doug's younger brother also lived there. We were one big happy family.

We were actually back attending the church we had attended growing up--yes, the one where Grant was the youth leader.

Pretty soon, I heard rumblings that the church was beginning to pick elders. Up for eldership? Grant.

I was stopped dead in my tracks.

I know the Bible says an elder should be a man above reproach.

I still felt off put that Grant had never had to answer for what happened between him and myself. It was still just a dirty secret swept under the rug.

I decided that I just couldn't let this happen without bringing what had happened to light.

So, I decided to confide in Doug's aunt and uncle (remember Roy and Connie?) I had grown up babysitting for them and was very close to them. Ironically, Roy was also being considered for eldership. Roy had also taught the teens for several years at the church, so I had a rapport with them.

One night I stayed late at their house to talk to them about this.

I don't even remember what I said. I was so nervous I could have thrown up. This was it.

I was finally telling someone from the church and this would change everything.

Both Roy and Connie kept asking me if I was absolutely certain about the things I told them. I reitterated over and over that I was. Even though most of the conversation is a blur, for some reason I distinctly remember Roy saying, "Okay...I'm going to bat for you, but ..." meaning if I was lying or had misunderstood the situation there would be hard feelings and consequences.

I knew I was telling the truth, so I stood firm.

There was a meeting set up with Grant and the minister, Tony.

I'm pretty sure I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

I was on pins and needles waiting to hear back from Roy.

It was decided to have a meeting including Tony, Grant & Carla, Doug and myself, and Roy & Connie.

Doug & I drove over with Roy and Connie to the church. We sat around long tables and talked about things that were so mortifying to me. I had to rehash certain instances and details that I couldn't even think about privately, let alone speak in front of a group of authority figures, and him. I think there may have even been more than one meeting.

I don't have any definite recollection of the words spoken.

I do know that Tony said I needed to forgive Grant. I do remember very clearly feeling like I was backed in a corner and said, "I will forgive him."

Okay. Great. Grant was still in the running for elder and it was all okay now. Everyone packed up and went their separate ways.

The next day Doug and I met with Tony. I was unsettled at how things turned out. Tony said, "But last night you said that you forgave Grant." I explained that what I had actually said was that I WILL forgive him because I knew in time I would, but I didn't feel it in my heart then. Tony laughed a little laugh and said, "Oh, that's very misleading." Which was a verbal finger wagging, "shame on you."

And then he explained how he felt that it was a situation of a young girl with a crush and a case of unrequieted feelings.

So there it was. Once again...it's my fault. I was deflated.

Why couldn't I get it through my head that it was my fault? Everyone kept telling me that.

I left that meeting feeling no better.

That night, Doug told me that if there were going to be any more meetings, he wasn't going because they were too hard for him.

Yeah. Chew on that.

Little Girl Lost

Things weren't all doom and gloom in Arkansas. I mean, they were incredibly depressing at first. But we did have some good times. Of course, I'm focusing on the crappy parts here, but know that not everything was sorrow.

And speaking of sorrow...I want to back up a bit...when word got out that we had run away with plans to elope, all hell broke loose back home.

Because Grant was prominent in the church and extremely upset that I would do something like that without his knowing, let alone without his permission, he was livid. He took it upon himself to stand before the church and tell everyone, in a carefully worded announcement, that Doug and I were "together living in Arkansas." Of course, premarital shacking was frowned upon, so that sent the church into quite a tizzy.

Poor Doug's mom attended the church. She was and is a very sweet woman with a tender heart and a quiet spirit. Needless to say, she was humiliated.

My sister (still close with Doug & Carla at the time) was beyond furious. If she had been able, she would have jumped on the first flight to Arkansas and dragged me back by my hair.

Because I anticipated this very heated response, we were only in contact with certain people. My parents and Doug's parents. And this was before the day of cell phones, so we could only keep in touch by using payphones.

The first time I finally spoke with my sister on the phone, the conversation consisted of her screaming at me and crying for about 30 minutes. I hated it. Every second of it. And I couldn't even truthfully be indignant because I was doing exactly what I was being accused of: living in sin.

I think everyone had a different reason for reacting the way they did. My sister loved me tremendously. She was always like a second mom to me and as such, felt responsible for me in many ways. Plus, I was the first person in my immediate family to have plans to go to college directly out of high school. I was slated to be the first to receive a degree and that was big stuff.

Something that my sister Missy said once still sticks in my mind...she told me once, while I was in high school, something like, "I love your little life." I guess even to her, things looked good on the outside. Of course, she had no idea about Grant.

Grant & Carla, naturally, felt invested in my future as well since they had taken on the brunt of my teenage years and had contributed to me scholastically and financially. Unfortunately, they had also contributed enormously to the reason I wanted to run away from that town. Don't misread that as me passing the buck for my actions. They certainly did not make sneak out of my house and get pregnant as a teenager, but I know what happened between us and the pressure to carry that secret--and a lion's share of the blame--was a huge motivating factor in my getting involved with Doug in the first place.

I also think that Grant could have been worried knowing that there was only one person I said I would tell about the "secret." Do you remember?

My future husband.

And now that "future" husband had a name and was very much in my present. But....he was also very far away from Grant and Grant's influence. I don't think that sat very well with Grant. I think that could be one reason why he worked so hard to discredit me.

But that's all my supposition.

A few months after moving, we made it back home for a visit. Doug's aunt Connie set up a reception of sorts at church for us to celebrate our wedding. It was a very nice gesture and everyone was very welcoming.

Until Grant and Carla cornered me alone in the pastor's office. I don't even remember the entire conversation or why they wanted to talk to me--except that they were still very unhappy. I do remember saying, "Grant, you would never have allowed anyone to speak with Carla alone without you." I know that to be true, but I think this was just his way of not acknowledging that I was now an adult in an adult relationship. He wanted me to know that I was still an underling to him. Now, that's more of my supposition. Obviously, I can't be sure that's how he felt. Maybe my thoughts are a little too biased.

Eventually, as with all scandals, things died down and Doug and I started school.

It was exciting. I was actually in college. We both worked part time. I was no longer at Wal Mart. I was a hostess at a little Southern chain called Shoney's. Doug went through a few jobs: pizza delivery for a couple of places, Sherwin Williams Paints, and an office supply store.

I finished a semester of school-always feeling like an outsider because I was married at 18 and lived off campus. Then, I decided to quit school and work full time to support Doug getting his degree since he was further along than I was.

I was struggling quite a bit with coming to terms with all that had happened in such a short period of time. I was still hanging on to the guilt and shame of what happened with Grant, the guilt and shame of having a miscarriage, and obsessing over my friend Tess. I was still jealous. I fixated on her because, to me, she had the ideal life. I wanted that life. And all the plans and dreams I had went up in smoke in a matter of months.

I was overwhelmed with guilt that I somehow caused the miscarriage. I thought that, because I wished I hadn't gotten pregnant, those negative thoughts somehow manifested a miscarriage. I thought the baby knew I didn't want it and that's why it died. And although now I know that's absolutely not true, I still get a little emotional thinking about it. 

I will say this, Doug was very kind to me and told me he didn't believe that either. It was the kindest I think he'd ever been to me.

I decided it was time to get some outside help. I'd confided everything to Doug, but he was a 20 year old guy. What help was he possibly going to offer me? And I think I totally discount that he had just lost a child too. He had his own stuff to work through. But being a guy, he compartmentalized it all. And played lots of video games.

I sought out one of the college's counselors. Miss Mackey. I don't mind using her real name. She was 100 years old way back then, so I'm pretty sure she's dead now.

I laid it all out. It was start and stop because I was so embarrassed and had never confided this in another adult before-especially a southern, God fearing, legalistic fundamentalist like Miss Mackey.

She listened to everything. I told about Grant first. Then I moved on to talk about my obsession with Tess and how I couldn't seem to get past her relationship with Doug. I was still jealous of how long they had dated and how close they'd been.

Do you know what she said to me?

She said that I should stop being upset about Doug and Tess.

Yeah, okay. I agree. I'm listening...

Then, she added, "Doug could be doing the same thing to you. He could be upset about the things you did with Grant like you're upset with what he and Tess did.

I'm sorry,  you lost me.

Did you just say that Doug could be jealous of my "relationship" with a 31 year old authority figure in my life who, I feel, took advantage of me and my loyalties and compare tha with his teenage romance with Tess??

K. Thanks. Buh-bye.

At  the time, I couldn't wrap my mind around just how ludicrous that was and how I should have ripped out her blue hair right then and there for being so inadequately and horribly suited for that position. How many other students came to her with traumatic experiences and she wrote them off as childhood/teenage angst? If I didn't think she was probably already dead, I would contact the school about her outlandish "counseling." I went to her seeking comfort and guidance. I left feeling even more guilt and shame. So far, the "Church" wasn't doing so well according to my mental score keeping.

We lived in Arkansas for a year before deciding to head back home. I was mixed. I was so excited to be back in a familiar setting with friends and family, but also very scared. It was, after all, the setting of so many other emotional events.

Out of the Pan and Into the Fire

The year I turned 17 felt miraculous. For some reason, 17 felt so much older than 16. It was senior year and I felt like so many things were finally going right.

I was still in contact with Carla & Grant, but it was strained. I was still having difficulty making decisions that I knew would go against them and their wishes. From simple things like what I would wear to heavier things like dating and how far is "too far." I can't even remember what all I had trouble deciding, but I just know I held them STILL in such high regard that I couldn't go against anything they had taught me.

I think--if I can wax philosophical for a minute--that I was so starved for someone to love me since I just had my heart ripped out, that in walked Doug-a great guy who I knew from church and had known as a friend first--and I fell head over heels in an effort to fill the hole that was now in my heart.

I was smarting against a lot of things: specifically Grant, but I was also suddenly questioning the foundation of what I had been taught the past several years. I didn't blame God. I don't think I was angry with Him either. But I was more wounded and confused and...annoyed.

I just let loose.

August is when we always went to camp. Doug and I went as usual. This time as a couple.

Everything was going along swimmingly...until I realized I was late.

And I don't mean late to dinner.

I must have gone to the bathroom 800 times that week.

Nothing.

Of course, we panicked. That week was hardly spent communing with nature and singing camp songs. Instead, we planned how we were going to run away and get married.

I had been accepted to a prestigious Christian college and was due to leave in a couple of weeks.

I knew I couldn't go because once the school found out I was pregnant, I would be sent home immediately. And have a lot of explaining  to do.

So, we hastily discussed how we would run away.

In was the weeks after camp that we spent fine tuning our plan. It was all so surreal.

We decided that we would run away to Tennessee, elope, and then move to Arkansas where we could both go to school (the same school Doug had gone to previously).

We both wrote notes to our families. Explaining how we had decided to leave and get married. I even went so far as to say that I was NOT pregnant since that's what everyone would automatically (and rightfully) jump to the conclusion of.

I was more scared of telling my family that I was no longer a virgin that I was of moving 1000 miles away with this boy and living a new, strange life. You see, sex before marriage was likend to killing someone in my teenage mind.

I think we thought that we could just let everyone believe that we got pregnant the microsecond after we married and that would explain the timing.

There was a bonfire planned for us and some friends (Katherine included) at Doug's aunt and uncle's house. I was very close to his aunt and uncle (Roy & Connie). The day of the bonfire, I told my mom that we were moving away. She said, "So are you going to shack up?" Blunt. Just like that.

I did what was becoming so natural...I lied.

"Of course not. We'll be staying with Doug's friends until after we get married..."

We told Katherine the day we were leaving. She was sad. I lied through my teeth to her too. She didn't want us to go, but we felt like we had no alternative.

NOW...at 34...I can see SO MANY alternatives. But being 17 and scared to death because, as a teen active in church, I had pre-marital sex, I truly felt horrified at the idea of admitting to people that I was sexually active.

So we set out. In the world's smallest car. I packed 2 suitcases and that was it.

We drove until about Memphis, I think and stayed in a hotel. Some seedy, run down wood paneling hotel.

The next day we rolled into Arkansas and sat at a McDonalds with a newspaper looking for jobs. We had about $1000 to our names, the clothes in our suitcases, and the clown car.

Luckily  (?) we were so naive and stupid we didn't fully realize just how ridiculous and dangerous that was.

We ended up finding a trailor to rent. (Yes, another trailer in my life). It was a 2 bedroom number off campus.

I got a job at Wal Mart making $5 an hour and served as the bread winner. Doug got a job delivering pizzas and we both registered for school.

I was miserable. I was homesick and lonely because Doug ended up spending a lot of time with his college friends (from before), playing basketball and I stayed at home since I didn't know any of them. We didn't have cable or a phone.

I was freaked out about being pegnant, since I had never experienced that before and had absolutely no one to talk to about it. You see, this college town goes beyond conservative. They are right smack in the middle of the Bible belt. If I were even to confide in anyone about our situation, we would be scourged.

Doug kept saying he wished that it would "all just go away." He used to say all the time, "Can't you just take a pill?" I don't think he was referring to something like RU486 or whatever, since I'm pretty sure that didn't really exist back then. But he did just want to be done with the whole thing.

We eventually came around to the subject of adoption. I could not imagine giving up my baby to strangers, but I was also terrified of the alternative (actually raising a child when I was a child myself) and abortion was absolutely out of the question.

I started feeling sick. I just didn't feel right. At about 10 or 11 weeks I started spotting.

I called the nurse at the OB office I had just started going to (where they confirmed that I was indeed pregnant) and the nurse asked me all kinds of questions about color, texture, etc etc and told me to just "watch it."

I was so afraid. My sister had a history of miscarriages and I was so scared that was what was happening to me. I felt helpless just staying home. I kept telling Doug that I wanted to go to the doctor. He kept discouraging me (why I don't know.)

This nurse who told me to "watch it" was also the one who spoke with me about adoption at my first appointment. She said she had a family who she thought would be interested, but she needed my decision soon.

I couldn't give her a straight answer. I just couldn't commit to anything, and there was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I wouldn't have to make a decision.

The nurse called me at work one day to ask me if I had given it anymore thought. I remember very clearly taking the call in the break room. I stumbled over my words telling her how I just hadn't made a decision yet.

I can't believe she called me at work. That didn't even upset me until just this very moment as I remember. Talk about being forward and pushy.

All this time I continued to work. I stocked shelves at Wal Mart. It was strenuous labor and involved a lot of lifting and hauling. Naturally, that made me bleed heavier. Finally, one day at work, I bled so heavily that I left work early and raced home. I remember running in the front door and seeing Doug sitting on the couch. He was obviously surprised to see me home early. I dropped my weight belt (that you have to wear for proper back support while lifting) and ran to the bathroom yelling, "NOW will you take me to the hospital?!" Doug's eyes were as big as silver dollars.

I explained that I was bleeding badly, so we headed to the ER.

That was one of the most humiliating experiences in my life.

As a barely 18 year old girl, I had never before been to a gynecologist. When I got to the ER, I had to explain what happened to the nurses at the ER desk. Then, one of them took me into a room and had me strip down and put a gown on.

I laid on the table for eternity. The nurse asked me if I wanted her to go get my husband. I said yes. She brought Doug in a few minutes later. He was visibly uncomfortable. He fidgeted the entire time. Finally, I said, "Would you rather wait in the waiting room?" And I barely had the entire sentence out when he blurted, "yes!" And out he went.

I cramped while I waited for the doctor. He finally came in and did the exam.  It was humiliating,

Finally, they let me go home.

I laid on the bed in the back bedroom of our trailer and thought I was dying. The cramping (which I now know is contractions) was the most painful thing ever. I couldn't talk, but I remember clearly hoping Doug would come in the room and check on me because I figured that was the last time he would see me alive.

Some undetermined time later, the cramping ended and I was able to breathe again. The bleeding went on for awhile after that. And we tried to go on with our lives and act normal--whatever that was.