Things weren't all doom and gloom in Arkansas. I mean, they were incredibly depressing at first. But we did have some good times. Of course, I'm focusing on the crappy parts here, but know that not everything was sorrow.
And speaking of sorrow...I want to back up a bit...when word got out that we had run away with plans to elope, all hell broke loose back home.
Because Grant was prominent in the church and extremely upset that I would do something like that without his knowing, let alone without his permission, he was livid. He took it upon himself to stand before the church and tell everyone, in a carefully worded announcement, that Doug and I were "together living in Arkansas." Of course, premarital shacking was frowned upon, so that sent the church into quite a tizzy.
Poor Doug's mom attended the church. She was and is a very sweet woman with a tender heart and a quiet spirit. Needless to say, she was humiliated.
My sister (still close with Doug & Carla at the time) was beyond furious. If she had been able, she would have jumped on the first flight to Arkansas and dragged me back by my hair.
Because I anticipated this very heated response, we were only in contact with certain people. My parents and Doug's parents. And this was before the day of cell phones, so we could only keep in touch by using payphones.
The first time I finally spoke with my sister on the phone, the conversation consisted of her screaming at me and crying for about 30 minutes. I hated it. Every second of it. And I couldn't even truthfully be indignant because I was doing exactly what I was being accused of: living in sin.
I think everyone had a different reason for reacting the way they did. My sister loved me tremendously. She was always like a second mom to me and as such, felt responsible for me in many ways. Plus, I was the first person in my immediate family to have plans to go to college directly out of high school. I was slated to be the first to receive a degree and that was big stuff.
Something that my sister Missy said once still sticks in my mind...she told me once, while I was in high school, something like, "I love your little life." I guess even to her, things looked good on the outside. Of course, she had no idea about Grant.
Grant & Carla, naturally, felt invested in my future as well since they had taken on the brunt of my teenage years and had contributed to me scholastically and financially. Unfortunately, they had also contributed enormously to the reason I wanted to run away from that town. Don't misread that as me passing the buck for my actions. They certainly did not make sneak out of my house and get pregnant as a teenager, but I know what happened between us and the pressure to carry that secret--and a lion's share of the blame--was a huge motivating factor in my getting involved with Doug in the first place.
I also think that Grant could have been worried knowing that there was only one person I said I would tell about the "secret." Do you remember?
My future husband.
And now that "future" husband had a name and was very much in my present. But....he was also very far away from Grant and Grant's influence. I don't think that sat very well with Grant. I think that could be one reason why he worked so hard to discredit me.
But that's all my supposition.
A few months after moving, we made it back home for a visit. Doug's aunt Connie set up a reception of sorts at church for us to celebrate our wedding. It was a very nice gesture and everyone was very welcoming.
Until Grant and Carla cornered me alone in the pastor's office. I don't even remember the entire conversation or why they wanted to talk to me--except that they were still very unhappy. I do remember saying, "Grant, you would never have allowed anyone to speak with Carla alone without you." I know that to be true, but I think this was just his way of not acknowledging that I was now an adult in an adult relationship. He wanted me to know that I was still an underling to him. Now, that's more of my supposition. Obviously, I can't be sure that's how he felt. Maybe my thoughts are a little too biased.
Eventually, as with all scandals, things died down and Doug and I started school.
It was exciting. I was actually in college. We both worked part time. I was no longer at Wal Mart. I was a hostess at a little Southern chain called Shoney's. Doug went through a few jobs: pizza delivery for a couple of places, Sherwin Williams Paints, and an office supply store.
I finished a semester of school-always feeling like an outsider because I was married at 18 and lived off campus. Then, I decided to quit school and work full time to support Doug getting his degree since he was further along than I was.
I was struggling quite a bit with coming to terms with all that had happened in such a short period of time. I was still hanging on to the guilt and shame of what happened with Grant, the guilt and shame of having a miscarriage, and obsessing over my friend Tess. I was still jealous. I fixated on her because, to me, she had the ideal life. I wanted that life. And all the plans and dreams I had went up in smoke in a matter of months.
I was overwhelmed with guilt that I somehow caused the miscarriage. I thought that, because I wished I hadn't gotten pregnant, those negative thoughts somehow manifested a miscarriage. I thought the baby knew I didn't want it and that's why it died. And although now I know that's absolutely not true, I still get a little emotional thinking about it.
I will say this, Doug was very kind to me and told me he didn't believe that either. It was the kindest I think he'd ever been to me.
I decided it was time to get some outside help. I'd confided everything to Doug, but he was a 20 year old guy. What help was he possibly going to offer me? And I think I totally discount that he had just lost a child too. He had his own stuff to work through. But being a guy, he compartmentalized it all. And played lots of video games.
I sought out one of the college's counselors. Miss Mackey. I don't mind using her real name. She was 100 years old way back then, so I'm pretty sure she's dead now.
I laid it all out. It was start and stop because I was so embarrassed and had never confided this in another adult before-especially a southern, God fearing, legalistic fundamentalist like Miss Mackey.
She listened to everything. I told about Grant first. Then I moved on to talk about my obsession with Tess and how I couldn't seem to get past her relationship with Doug. I was still jealous of how long they had dated and how close they'd been.
Do you know what she said to me?
She said that I should stop being upset about Doug and Tess.
Yeah, okay. I agree. I'm listening...
Then, she added, "Doug could be doing the same thing to you. He could be upset about the things you did with Grant like you're upset with what he and Tess did.
I'm sorry, you lost me.
Did you just say that Doug could be jealous of my "relationship" with a 31 year old authority figure in my life who, I feel, took advantage of me and my loyalties and compare tha with his teenage romance with Tess??
K. Thanks. Buh-bye.
At the time, I couldn't wrap my mind around just how ludicrous that was and how I should have ripped out her blue hair right then and there for being so inadequately and horribly suited for that position. How many other students came to her with traumatic experiences and she wrote them off as childhood/teenage angst? If I didn't think she was probably already dead, I would contact the school about her outlandish "counseling." I went to her seeking comfort and guidance. I left feeling even more guilt and shame. So far, the "Church" wasn't doing so well according to my mental score keeping.
We lived in Arkansas for a year before deciding to head back home. I was mixed. I was so excited to be back in a familiar setting with friends and family, but also very scared. It was, after all, the setting of so many other emotional events.
