Working at Penney's was fun for me. I loved the people in my department.
I also thought Mr. Smith was pretty terrific.
He was not from the area originally and I liked that he was so different from everyone in my life up until that point. He had this air of big-city sophistication about hime. He was educated, smart, in a position of authority (okay, so that part wasn't so different from everyone else) and made me laugh. He didn't talk down to me or treat me like a little kid.
More importantly, he knew nothing about my past.
After the issue with the (in my opinion) failed church meetings, I was growing more disillusioned with church and with the people at mine specifically. I'd had bad experiences pretty much with everyone involved--who I had confided in or reached out to-- from my home church to the college staff.
I started experimenting with fashion choices that I normally would not have. My skirts got a little shorter and tighter. My hair got shorter and a little funkier. And I paid a little more attention to my makeup.
I was far from being a harlot, but this was quite the departure from the way I used to dress. Long dresses, knee length shorts, frumpy anything, etc.
I also started flirting with Mr. Smith. Or did he flirt with me first? I have no idea. I don't remember. I just know that I started looking forward to work more and more. I was disappointed when he wasn't working. I was especially disappointed when his girlfriend came to visit once.
I eyed her up and down, mentally calculating her every flaw.
Pretty soon, after a lot of flirting and conversations filled with innuendos, Mr. Smith called me into his office. He asked me if I would be interested in having "a discreet, intimate affair." Exact words.
I wanted to melt into the chair. I was both terrified and exhilirated. This man, this sophisticated, successful MAN, was interested in ME. Seriously?
I agreed.
I know, you're probably groaning and yelling at your computer screen, "NO! DON'T DO IT!"
That's the same thing that little voice in my head was screaming. Only it was so faint because I had stopped listening to it, and I was able to ignore it.
We started exactly that...a discreet, intimate affair. On the night of his 31st birthday. I was 19.
Once again, I closed my eyes and did what I wanted to anyway. Regardless of what I know to be right.
The affair went on for several months. Until I confessed everything to Doug.
He reacted in a strange way. Not like I thought he would. But then, no one was reacting like I thought they would, so I guess my radar was way off.
I continued to work at Penney's for a while. No one knew about me and Mr. Smith except Doug. He trusted me enough to continue working there.
But that was a mistake.
Things may have lulled for a while with Mr. Smith, but they never fully ended.
When Doug found out again...he made a decision. We were moving back to Arkansas.
I passed on the news to Mr. Smith (who I NEVER called by his first name, FYI. I couldn't. I think Freud would have a field day with that. ) After a tearful goodbye and exchanged mix tapes (what grade were we in anyway??) I drove away from him for what I thought was the last time, feeling like I was leaving the love of my life. You see, I had fallen madly in love with Mr. Smith...this man who I couldn't bring myself to call by his first name. I respected his authority too much to call him Rob.
Doug and I packed up (again) and drove 1000 miles. At least this time we had a nice apartment and new furniture. I was able to transfer with Penney's and he got yet another pizza delivery job.
This is what I had wanted for so long. A place of our own, not living in poverty, and steady jobs.
So was I finally happy?
I was miserable. I hated every second of it.
Rob had bought me a calling card to use so I could keep in touch. He also called me at work occasionally to see how I was doing. Those calls were my lifeline.
I told him I wouldn't be in Arkansas long. I didn't have a plan, but I knew I wasn't staying there.
I think it was only a matter of weeks before I told Doug it was over, I wanted out.
It was pretty anticlimactic. It was mutual and actually kind of friendly. We both knew it was headed that way, so it was only a matter of voicing it to each other.
So we packed BACK up...and headed back home. Only this time, we drove separately and went to different places once we got back in town. I went to stay with my parents and he went with his.
I called Rob the moment I got to my parents' house. I hadn't been able to reach him all weekend. He wasn't answering his phone.
He was surprised to hear my voice and find out I was back. For good.
I immediately drove over to his house.
It was a new start....again.
