The title is in honor of Billy Joel's song. I used to say that to Rob all the time.
My most quoted line to him was "Will that be a consolation when she's gone?"
"She" of course being me.
He said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but his actions and the way he treated me didn't add up to that.
There were times we laughed. There were times we enjoyed one another's company.
That's why I hung around for so long. I had that glimmer of what I thought we could be.
I was ready to start a family. I loved kids. I'd always seen myself having some. I thought we were at the point in our lives where it was "time."
Rob held off. And, if I can be frank with you (and I have been all along so why stop now?) we were barely more than roommates at this point, so short of a miraculous act like Christ's birth, it just wasn't going to happen.
I talked a lot with one of my friends (Dana) who lived where we had just moved from. Dana is one of my favorite people. She tells it like it is and is fiercely loyal. She also knows me very well. Good and bad.
I remember the conversation she and I had where I told her that I was resigning myself to never having children. I wanted to be faithful to my marriage and really didn't want to have another divorce. If being with Rob meant not having children, I was going to be resigned and honor my commitment. I trusted God to work it all out in the long run.
Dana thought that was nuts. She had kids of her own and knew that I adored kids and wanted some of my own. She also watched how good Rob was with her kids. It didn't add up.
Months prior to my karaoke weekends, I started attending church regularly and acted as the worship leader for a women's Bible study for a while. That means I led singing. I got very close to some of these women and became even more convinced that honoring my vows was paramount.
I had been begging Rob to go to counseling with me and work out some of this crap that had been built up between us.
Finally...he agreed. We found this hippie looking counselor who was close to our age. She was okay. I didn't mind her.
We attended a few sessions. It was a lot of filling in the backstory for the first few meetings. Of course, I threw out there the whole Internet thing concerning Rob. He said he knew that would be out there first.
And then, as we started talking about having a family, he finally admitted what was holding him back.
He said he thought I was too Polly Anna-ish and he didn't want me raising his "prodigy."
He said he could see it all:
Throwing ball with his son and his little girl running to greet him.
He could see himself with kids.
Just not with me.
He actually said that.
Talk about a knife in the gut.
That was the turning point for me.
He really didn't like me.
I don't think there was one thing about me that he really enjoyed.
I could be wrong about that.
But I don't think I am.
I think that's why he was so sloppy when he did things like going to meet up with people.
Once I washed his car for him-inside and out. I scrubbed it and vaccumed it.
And as I was vaccuming the inside, I found several strange things.
Under the front driver's seat I found a bottle of mouthwash and a prepaid calling card.
We had a home phone and cell phones.
What did he possibly need with a prepaid calling card??
I checked the available minutes...it was empty.
So he had obviously been using it.
To me...and I could be completely in left field here...that meant he was trying to hide something.
I could see if I'd found gum or mints...but mouthwash?
I asked him about it. I don't even remember what he said. It didn't matter.
I don't think I was even surprised. Just numb and so tired of it.
I even told him once that I thought he was sloppy on purpose so that I'd catch him and leave him. That way he wouldn't be the bad guy. I could do the dirty work and he could get what he'd wanted all long...freedom.
So, it was in these counseling sessions (during which I had started hanging out at the bar and singing karaoke on Fridays) that I admitted to the counselor and Rob that I was planning to move out.
Rob acted surprised.
After we left the session, we pulled over in a parking lot and talked about it.
I don't know if it was an act or if he truly didn't see it coming, but he acted as if he didn't want me to go.
Over the course of the next few weeks, I started actively looking at apartments.
There was so much emotion all wrapped up in this...fear, excitement, anticipation...
I'd NEVER lived on my own before. I made a decent salary for a single girl, so I believed I could support myself.
But oh I was afraid.
I wasn't exactly confident as far as bill paying and managing a household on my own because Rob handled all of that. And wouldn't let me help.
We argued many a time over the fact that he kept the checkbook at work and I never saw the bills or what he paid. He insisted that it was easier that way.
So, I had no idea what we had going out per month.
But I was determined to do this on my own.
One friend took me around to look at her apartment complex. It was nice but pricey.
I had chatted with the DJ at the bar before and found out he'd just moved back from the West coast. He told me about his complex. It was in a good neighborhood and affordable.
I made plans to look at it.
In the mean time, I'd left some aprtment brochures laying around my house. Not on purpose, but just left where I'd dropped my stuff. I know Rob saw them.
I was invited out of town on vacation with a friend and I jumped at the chance to go.
I know this is crappy, but I called Rob at work and left him a voice mail telling him I was going. I was gone for a week.
I texted him while I was gone to check in but never once did I call him.
My family was trying to reach me at that time too and I didn't answer emails or call back.
My sister Missy was beside herself.
She thought for sure I had been kidnapped and murdered.
When I got back, I put down a deposit on the apartment that was in the complex where the DJ (Joe) lived.
It was a huge complex.
And guess what?
The only 1 bedroom apartment available?
Right across the hall from Joe.
2 guys from work helped me move my stuff out of Rob's house while he was at work one day.
Rob knew I was leaving. I'd talked with him about it.
He said he thought I was just trying to use scare tactics by leaving the brochures around.
The day before I was set to move out, I was napping and he came up to our room, laid next to me, held me and cried that he didn't want me to leave. He said, "I don't think I can do it." Meaning, let me go.
I was over it.
I told him that it was happening.
I'm not cold, but I'd had enough.
It was one of those defining moments.
I could have chosen to stay and continue our dysfunctional cycle or leave and get on with my life.
For so long I'd been torn about honoring my vows and knowing how God feels about divorce.
I know there are some verses that release me from the marriage because of marital unfaithfulness, but I really wanted to make this work.
It had gotten too far. I had lived in a prison for so long, that I was desperate to get out.
I was ready to stand on my own.
This was my chance.
It's funny, Kelly Clarkson's song "Breakaway" had just come out.
The lyrics really spoke to me.
That's what I was doing. I was breaking away.
It was like being on the launching pad of so many great things.
I was sad to know that the marriage had failed. Knowing that it was me who pulled the trigger.
But I don't think I really did--or was the only one who did.
Rob had given up a long time ago.
I think he just let me do the dirty work.
So...I moved in to my own place.
And got to know this funny, cute guy named Joe who was now my neighbor.
