We moved home in the summer of 1996. Almost one year had passed since we ran away and eloped.
We set up residence in Doug's parents' house in his childhood bedroom. It's just what every new bride dreams of. I had cart blanche to decorate our "room" any way I wanted.
The positive side of all that is that we paid absolutely nothing for living there.
We both worked. I got a job at JCPenney's in the mall. I remember hating the idea of working full time. I think I was just mentally exhausted.
I remember crying before my interview because I was so sad at the idea of working full time. I wore the same oufit I'd worn to my graduation open house; a pink gingham jumper and a ribbon in my hair. I looked like I'd just stepped off Sunnybrook Farm.
The manager who interviewd me was Mr. Smith. He was a young, good looking professional. He intimidated me from the start because he wore a suit and tie and was the "boss." He seemed to like that I had worked at Shoney's and we had a ridiculously long conversation about french toast sticks.
I was hired. Just like that.
I started soon after and was put in the men's department. Which was also Mr. Smith's department. It was there I met some of the most wonderful people in the world. And some who would end up playing quite a role in my future.
It was during that time of working at Penney's that I morphed the most dramatically.
I was increasingly disillusioned with "married" life. I was sad and lonely. Doug worked late nights delivering pizza and I worked days. I hated living in his parents' house with very little privacy and feeling like a kid when I thought we were supposed to be leaving his parents and "cleaving" to one another. Doug's younger brother also lived there. We were one big happy family.
We were actually back attending the church we had attended growing up--yes, the one where Grant was the youth leader.
Pretty soon, I heard rumblings that the church was beginning to pick elders. Up for eldership? Grant.
I was stopped dead in my tracks.
I know the Bible says an elder should be a man above reproach.
I still felt off put that Grant had never had to answer for what happened between him and myself. It was still just a dirty secret swept under the rug.
I decided that I just couldn't let this happen without bringing what had happened to light.
So, I decided to confide in Doug's aunt and uncle (remember Roy and Connie?) I had grown up babysitting for them and was very close to them. Ironically, Roy was also being considered for eldership. Roy had also taught the teens for several years at the church, so I had a rapport with them.
One night I stayed late at their house to talk to them about this.
I don't even remember what I said. I was so nervous I could have thrown up. This was it.
I was finally telling someone from the church and this would change everything.
Both Roy and Connie kept asking me if I was absolutely certain about the things I told them. I reitterated over and over that I was. Even though most of the conversation is a blur, for some reason I distinctly remember Roy saying, "Okay...I'm going to bat for you, but ..." meaning if I was lying or had misunderstood the situation there would be hard feelings and consequences.
I knew I was telling the truth, so I stood firm.
There was a meeting set up with Grant and the minister, Tony.
I'm pretty sure I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
I was on pins and needles waiting to hear back from Roy.
It was decided to have a meeting including Tony, Grant & Carla, Doug and myself, and Roy & Connie.
Doug & I drove over with Roy and Connie to the church. We sat around long tables and talked about things that were so mortifying to me. I had to rehash certain instances and details that I couldn't even think about privately, let alone speak in front of a group of authority figures, and him. I think there may have even been more than one meeting.
I don't have any definite recollection of the words spoken.
I do know that Tony said I needed to forgive Grant. I do remember very clearly feeling like I was backed in a corner and said, "I will forgive him."
Okay. Great. Grant was still in the running for elder and it was all okay now. Everyone packed up and went their separate ways.
The next day Doug and I met with Tony. I was unsettled at how things turned out. Tony said, "But last night you said that you forgave Grant." I explained that what I had actually said was that I WILL forgive him because I knew in time I would, but I didn't feel it in my heart then. Tony laughed a little laugh and said, "Oh, that's very misleading." Which was a verbal finger wagging, "shame on you."
And then he explained how he felt that it was a situation of a young girl with a crush and a case of unrequieted feelings.
So there it was. Once again...it's my fault. I was deflated.
Why couldn't I get it through my head that it was my fault? Everyone kept telling me that.
I left that meeting feeling no better.
That night, Doug told me that if there were going to be any more meetings, he wasn't going because they were too hard for him.
Yeah. Chew on that.
