So I thought for exactly 3.2 seconds before agreeing to move with Rob.
This was it. I'd been waiting my whole life for this kind of mature, adult relationship with a man who was successful in his career, financially stable, and exciting.
Let's just nevermind that I still couldn't call him by his first name.
And NO, I didn't call him Mr. Smith...I called him Babe.
Or Honey.
It worked for us.
We packed up and moved about 3 hours away to a great city with lots of culture and opportunity.
Luckily (?) Rob's friend and his new wife already lived there so we'd have built-in friends right off the bat.
At this point in my life, I'd already carefully distanced myself from pretty much everyone in my family, so moving was not an issue. Things between me and Missy were fine, but distant. The same with me and my other sister. Things with me and my parents were amicable. Maybe they were glad I seemed happy and was moving on with my life.
Rob and I were set up in corporate housing for a while and happily went house hunting.
We settled on one that I fell in love with.
I found a job in management working retail. It was my first management job and I felt all kinds of important. I was bringing home a decent paycheck and contributing financially.
Rob's job was at the corporate office of a national retail chain. It was exciting stuff. Here we were white collar and playing house. We lived in a beautiful neighborhood with a beautiful home and solid, professional jobs. Nice.
Of ourse, I was gunning for a ring in the worst way. I was ready. I thought, this was my white picket fence. Let's make this official.
Rob, in his thirties, was A-OK with our situation as it was. But we lived as if we were married in every other way.
Things seemed to be going well. I felt very lucky to be living the life I was.
But I always knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't enough for him.
He was a self proclaimed agnostic and, even though I was not actively attending church or reading my Bible, and I WAS actively living outside of the life God would want for me, I still held my convictions somewhere deep in my heart.
It was a daily battle with my conscience and I thought that if we just got married already, the guilt would ease a little.
We debated often about religion. Nothing too heated, but enough that it was a wedge between us on some level.
I tried to attend a church in the area, but I couldn't find one I liked. And working retail does not allow for very many Sundays off.
I was, as Rob used to call me, very "Polly-Anna-ish." He thought I saw the world through rose-colored glasses. Now I think that's hilarious considering all that had happened before I even met him. He liked to tell me he had a dark side and didn't want to pollute me with it.
I knew it was there.
He had some quirks that I tried to look past.
Like porn.
Oh my, the porn.
Not a stack found underneath the couch...boxes and boxes that he refused to get rid of.
He said they were collectors items.
It didn't matter that I absolutely HATED them.
They might be worth money some day.
Rob also had some....out there...ideas about what would be fun to do as a couple.
My mother reads this, so I won't get too technical.
Let's just say that I knew I would never be enough.
Unless I was ready to let down my guard and stop being such a "prude" he would never really be happy with me.
Remember that I was 21. I had zero self-esteem and I had spent a lot of my past trying to make someone else happy. All to end up getting kicked in the teeth.
And yet...here I was again. Struggling with the same fear. I wasn't good enough.
And his friend...the one who lived there...he was poison in our relationship.
Andy. Andy and his wife Anna. Andy was a body builder. He loved himself and thought he was IT. Everything he did was about show. His wife Anna was beautiful. She was also not exactly a Yale candidate. I mean, she was educated and some may even say smart, but she also seemed very gullible. She ate up anything Andy said. Rob had told me things about Andy (like how he carried on affairs with women he worked with) so I felt like Anna just closed her eyes to most of this.
Andy acted like he liked me to my face. But behind my back (according to Rob anyway) he would tell Rob I was a "head case" and that if I would only lose about 10 lbs, I would be perfect.
So I don't know if Andy actually said that stuff or if Rob just told me Andy did? I don't really much care now. They're both lumped in the same category in my head.
I actually tried to be more bold. I allowed him to put my picture on websites (FULLY CLOTHED, mind you.) These websites were like E-Harmony but for couples looking for other couples. The idea was to meet 'like-minded' people. It wasn't exactly swinging, per se, but he had this crazy "Every Man's Fantasy" thing and he wanted to include me in it.
I was horrified, but also wanting so desperately to make him happy that I conceded to the website. Maybe I thought he'd grow tired of the idea and nothing would come of it? We actually met up with a couple of people. Awkward meetups in bars where we chatted and got to know each other and the whole time, in the back of my mind, I knew that both men in the group had the same idea...how can we get these two girls together?
Ugh. I'm grossed out even just remembering it. And so angry that I ever put myself out there like that. Knowing now what I do about online predators, I am appalled that I ever thought it was harmless to do that.
Both meetups did not result in anything more than me feeling like I needed to shower immediately. Thank God.
Pretty soon, I realized that all the porn magazines had also led to online porn. There were tons of sites that I could see in the computer's history.
It wasn't long until our personal life was slim to none. I didn't get it. Here I was, trying to entertain his crazy fantasies and he still wanted nothing to do with me.
I think that no matter what I would have done it wouldn't have been enough. He resented me for not wanting to do it and if I had done it, he probably would have lost all respect for me.
Here's where I may get the timeline of some events confused...
One Christmas, my sister Missy came to stay. I had to work, but Rob only had to work a half day. I tried calling his desk from the store, but kept getting his voicemail. I finally called around to the main desk and got a security guard. He told me the office was closed and no one was in the building. And no one had been.
Hmmmm. I called home about every 15 minutes, and got nothing.
When I FINALLY got Rob on the phone, I told him what the security guard said. He finally told me that he was afraid to tell me that he didn't work because he thought I'd be mad that he was off and I wasn't.
WTF?
I was so furious. He came to pick me up that night with my sister (who arrived after he got home). I was so angry I couldn't even look at him. I never did find out where he was.
I eventually left retail for a nannying job. I nannied for 2 doctors in their home. They had 2 adorable little girls.
And feeling like a piece of crap.
Rob and I got along and seemed happy, despite the above story, but there were definitely some missing pieces. He still hadn't proposed and our personal life left a lot to be desired. Literally.
I saw my doctor (not the ones I nannied for) who confirmed that I was depressed and she prescribed an antidepressant. Rob was less than thrilled. He was not supportive at all. He didn't like the idea of me having to take a chemical in order to be "happy." I took it anyway.
It helped me to stabilize my emotions. Prior to taking it, I had a couple of bad episodes of laying on the floor and crying, hysterically, for no reason. Rob wasn't home. I would never have let him see me like that. That's why I was more than willing to try anything. I just wanted to feel normal.
Then...Christmas rolled around and on Christmas Eve I got the biggest surprise. An engagment ring. And it was beautiful.
Rob had gone all out to create this lavish proposal where he spelled out "WILL YOU" using roses and had music playing. There was even a bottle of champagne and the fire was burning.
This is it! I thought this was finally the turning point for us.
But you know better than that, don't you?
It was only a short time after that my world came crashing down.
Again.
