Wrap Party

So this is it.

The end.

At least for now.

Here's to hoping there isn't anymore sad stuff to share in the future!

Thank you for reading. It's been such a trip. I'm really sad to be leaving all of you.

It's funny...as I was writing, I looked at the "Main Character" in the story as someone else. Not me.

It's been educational.

And I wanted to share a few last tid bits if I could...

First...I know I portrayed myself as the victim in a lot of these posts...and someone else as the bad guy.

While I stand behind the fact that many did have their parts in all of this and should be held accountable, I don't deny my part in any of this either.

Especially in the case of Doug and Rob...I was an adult then.

Regardless of what happened in my past that may have made me predisposed or more inclined to making certain decisions...I still made them.

I know right from wrong and I had the ability to choose a different path.

While I do regret all the times I lied and cheated, I'm thankful that God worked things out for me in the end. I would not be here, with Joe and our beautiful family, without all the random things that took place and brought me here.

An interesting aside: Joe lived in one of the cities I lived in at one time--at the same time. In fact, he was living in an apartment complex right across the street from mine and Rob's first house. He used to run down my road, right past my house...and we never knew each other.

The first time Joe DJ'd at the bar I used to go to was the night I celebrated my birthday there.

And what are the odds that the only apartment available would be right across the hall from him??

As far as Rob...there were happy times. 8 years filled with happy and sad. I chose to concentrate more on the sad for the purposes of this blog, but please know there were some good times. Up until about 6 months ago, we still communicated randomly and sporadically through email or text. Just to say hello, or Happy Birthday.

This past birthday of mine was the first time in 15 years I didn't hear happy birthday from him.

I've heard through the grapevine that he has a girlfriend. Maybe that's why. I won't lie, it's bitter sweet.
It's hard to share so much time and so many experiences with someone...and then it all just goes away and you don't know that person at all.

As far as Doug. That's an interesting story. After he and I split, he started dating Katherine. Remember her? She was my bestie in high school and the one who tried to talk us out of going away to get married.

She was desperate to marry him, but he wasn't as enthusiastic. So they broke up. And then she married Doug's best friend. Small world.

Doug has since married a girl Katherine knew and they have 2 beautiful little girls. Doug has finished college and holds a degree. I hope they are very happy. I hope that there aren't too many hard feelings on either of their parts, but I understand if there are.

Grant and Carla are still together and living in the same town. I've heard rumblings that they have struggled in many ways over the past 20 years or so. I'm not at liberty to share the details. That's their story for their blog.

I contacted their kids before I started writing and was amazingly given their blessing to share whatever I wanted. I am so thankful for that.

I'm not sure if Grant & Carla are attending church anywhere, but I hope they are.

Something I left out of the blog is the night I went home (to where I grew up). It was while I was married to Rob. I visited Missy and her kids at their church and hung out at the youth group that night. Grant and Carla's kids were there...in their teens at the time. I spoke with their oldest for a while. I hadn't seen or talked to their parents in a very long time. I was feeling very hateful and angry about the lack of support I'd gotten from the church during those horrible years.

Something led me that night to go to Grant and Carla's house.

I'd heard that they were mixed up in some ugly stuff.

I stood at the door, quaking in the knees and ready to face some giants.

Grant opened the door.

And...he was shorter than I remembered!

I sat them down and said:

"I just don't want you to lose what it is that makes you 'Grant & Carla'"

See, Grant & Carla were like a soap opera super couple back in the day...before this all came out. I know they had a calling to minister. It just got all mixed up. Sad.

I attribute so much of what I've learned about the Bible and about God to them. Carla is an amazing and strong woman. I admire so many things about her. I find myself like her in a lot of ways...many of what I consider to be my good qualities mirror her in so many ways.

But I was strong enough to face them. And not as a shaking child, as an adult.

It was definitely all by God's grace that I ended up there. Unafraid.

There's a great song I've heard recently that defines this whole journey for me and the guilt and shame I carried for so long. It's called You Are More by Tenth Avenue North. Here are the lyrics and the video with lyrics.

If you're so inclined, please play the video and read along while you listen to  the music.

It's a powerful message to all of us. We really are more than our past decisions or mistakes.

Thank you again for coming with me on this journey.

And good luck to you on your own.

You Are More (Tenth Avenue North)

Lyrics

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

And We've Come To The End...Sort Of

Joe's first wife died of Non Hodgekins Lymphoma. At the age of 31.

Joe was 29.

I'd never met anyone who was a widower at such a young age.

My heart broke for him when I heard his story.

And then we got married and I found myself fighting that same green monster that I faced with Doug and Tess.

Only this time, it wasn't a relationship that went sour...it was a relationship cruelly ended before its time.

I didn't know how to process that. I knew that if Stacy hadn't gotten sick, she and Joe would most likely still be together.

He didn't choose to leave her.

And it was such a sad story.

From the time she was diagnosed until she passed was only 7 months.

Not very long to tell the person you love most all the things you want to tell them.

Most of that time was spent in treatment and a good part at the end was with Stacy heavily sedated.

I felt like I was in competition with her memory.

I felt like her memory would always loom in the background.

From the Live Strong bracelet he always wears to the tattoo on his leg with her initials, I thought, "She'll always be here with us."

As with all things I am obsessed with, I asked Joe lots of questions about her.

He didn't mind...in fact he said that no one really talked about her that much anymore. Maybe because they were afraid of making him sad by bringing it up?

I think it was helpful for both of us.

One night I told him that I was feeling insecure and that I'd never been with someone whose spouse died.

He said, "I've never watched anyone die before."

Perepective.

Instead of feeling like I was in competition, I started trying to integrate her into the marriage in certain ways.

We started visiting the cemetery regularly and even took our oldest with us.

That's the first place the baby giggled.

He laughed right out loud.

Such a strange sound to hear at a cemetery: the beautiful sound of a baby's laughter.

From then on when one of the babies laughs, we say maybe Stacy's telling them jokes.

For a while when our 2nd child was still in a crib, we'd hear him in bed chatting up a storm and laughing.

When I asked him who he was talking to, he said, "Stacy."

We had a weird instance one night after we tucked our oldest in for bed. We kissed him goodnight, turned off the light and left the door oopen a little.

A few minutes later I went upstairs and noticed that the light was on in his room.

Naturally, I got all freaked out and called Joe upstairs. I asked him if he'd left the light on.

But I know he couldn't have. I was the last one out of the room and I remember very clearly peeking back in and seeing the baby laying down. In the dark.

We just chalked it up to Stacy keeping the light on for him, but who knows.

I've finally come to a place where I don't feel insecure with her memory.

I like to hear stories about her.

And Joe appreciates remembering her.

I just try to imagine if the tables were turned, I'd want the love of my life to remember me.

So fast forward to where we are today.

We're happy and taking one day at a time.

We have our struggles juts like anyone, but this is by far the healthiest relationship I've ever been in.

We're friends. We have each other's backs.

Yes, sometimes...okay often... we fight. Even yell at each other.

But this is it.

It's not necessarily how I would have written my story if given the opportunity to choose the way my life went, but I can't imagine changing a thing. Even the bad stuff.

I am who I am because of it. All of it.

I think I have a heart of compassion and empathy because of it.

I'm a survivor. *Cue Destiny's Child*

I've had the absolute best time writing this blog.

And your feedback has just been amazing.

I'm sad to be up to date.

But there will be one more post. A wrap-up of sorts.

Thanks for hanging with me for so long. I've enjoyed the ride.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

Joe and I began the habit of opening both our front doors and just going about our day yelling back and forth to each other. It was funny.

I got to know his dog Prudence. A pug.

Things at work were looking up. I got a promotion.

And I received a huge bouquet of flowers at work one day. I was all excited and tore the card open.

They were from Rob.

I just stared at it.

I called him, feeling for the first time ever ANGRY to have received flowers.

I said, "Why NOW?"

He said he just wanted to congratulate me.

I felt as if he was making a last ditch attempt.

While I appreciated it in one way--he was at least expending some energy toward me rather than away from me--it was too little too late.

I told him that.

I was finally feeling like a person again.

I was going out with friends, paying my own bills, and for the first time ever, living on my own.

And there was this guy.

Joe.

I had already struck up a friendship with him at the bar I frequented (that sounds so lewd...the "bar" I frequented...)

I learned a lot about him.

He had been married too.

Twice.

I know for many that may raise some brows...but I had been married twice before too. I didn't necessarily see it as a deal breaker.

I found out his first wife passed away at a young age from cancer.

And his second was still part of his life. They still communicated.

It was one of those heady situations where I could decide the person I wanted to be. I could start fresh with this guy.

We got to know each other a lot just through living so close and yelling across the hall through our open doors to each other.

I knew I liked him immediately.

I know, I know...don't jump in. You just got out of 2 bad relationships...etc etc.

My little voice was saying all those same things to me.

There was just something about Joe.

He was sincere. And real, for better or worse.

He went out of town once, and I watched his dog. I had free rein to his apartment.

Not one porn.

Believe me, I know. I looked.

And after living as a private detective for so many years in my previous marriage, I knew where to look.

Nothing.

It was a huge breath of fresh air.

Now, don't get all fixated on me invading his privacy. He knows about my search.

And...don't get me wrong...it's not like Joe had a halo over his head...like anyone, he had his quirks and his faults. But they were typical, normal quirks.

I fell madly in love.

And chose to jump right in with both feet.

Turns out the feeling was mutual. Joe jumped in head first too.

This next part I'm not proud of, but I have to say I wouldn't change, either.

We got pregnant.

Insert panic attack here.

We knew we wanted to be together, but we really had JUST met, in reality.

I'd met his parents once and he had met none of my family.

My family was still reeling from the divorce. No one really saw that coming.

Even though some were aware of the problems Rob and I had previously. from the outside, it appeared we had it all worked out.

We lived in a nice house with good jobs, nice cars, and plenty of disposable income. If you've been following this blog from the first posts, you know what I came from. This was far different.

So, when I finally got in touch with my sister Missy after going AWOL on vacation and not answering her voicemails or emails, I explained.

And I waited for the yelling to start, like it did when I ran away with Doug.

But there was no yelling.

She actually shared some things with me about being concerned for my safety during the marriage.

If Rob actually was meeting up with people, was I protected?

I thought about the same thing.

She was very supportive.

And at a time I desperately needed support.

So...imagine my fear of now telling her that I was pregnant.

We told Joe's sister first. She was due to have a baby herself any moment when we told her.

She was wonderful.

We told his mom next.

She was great about it, but understandably worried about this girl who came into the picture so quickly and was now claiming to be pregnant. She had been there with Joe when his wife passed and when his second wife and he divorced.

I'm sure all her Mama Bear instincts kicked in.

In fact, I know they did as she and Joe had a heated, lengthy phone conversation while we were shopping one day. She found out I was technically still married.

**Side note: NEVER file for divorce online if you aren't sure what the court in your state requires. Our divorce took twice as long as it should have to finalize because our online paperwork wasn't right.**

It wasn't pretty.

But looking back, I can understand.

I knew it would just take time to win her over with my fab personality. *wink*

And then...it was time to tell my family.

I told my sister Mindy first.

She was always very open and cool about stuff like that. She held no judgments.

One of the things I truly admire about her.

She was exicted for us and happy to meet Joe.

And then we told my parents.

I swore them to secrecy from telling Missy until I could tell her myself.

They were also supportive (and maybe just a little shell shocked from all the crap I'd dropped on them over the years?)

Finally, it was time to  tell Missy.

She planned to come down and stay with me at my apartment for the weekend. We were going to have a Girls' weekend.

I drove the 2 hours to where she lived to pick her up. Then, as we were headed back on the highway, I couldn't wait another minute.

I pulled over at a rest stop and blurted it all out in one big teary confession.

She hadn't even heard about Joe at this point and here I was telling her about "meeting-this-guy-and-he's-terrific-and-you're-gonna-love-him-and-oh-my-gosh-I-keep-screwing-things-up-and-I'm-pregnant."

I could see in Missy's eyes that her wheels were spinning, trying to decode all that I had just said in one breath.

One thing clicked for sure.

"A baby?!" And then she cried.

Happy tears.

See, she knew me too, like my friend Dana did.

She knew my heart for kids and my longing to have a family.

And when baby enters the picture, it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. That baby is first and foremost.

We hugged and cried.

And then I pulled back out on the highway, headed to our Girls' Weekend.

That night Missy met Joe. We--naturally--went to karaoke where he was DJ'ing. Turns out that his brother-in-law owns the DJ business and Joe was helping him out while Joe got settled back into town.

All the while Missy and I were driving back into town, Joe was nervously texting me to see how the conversation went. And then they met.

Missy likes to recount their meeting by saying she knew he was a great guy when he told her, "The first time I hold that baby in a carrier (because he always wanted to wear the Baby Bjorn and carry the baby) and kiss its little head, I'll be the happiest man in the world."

Won. Her. Over.

While telling our families was awkward...imagine telling Rob that I was pregnant.

I called him and asked if we could meet for dinner.

When I found his car in the parking lot, I decided to tell him there rather than in the restaurant.

His response, "Yep, I figured you'd be pretty ripe right about now."

No clue what that meant.

He told me he figured me asking to meet up was either to tell him that or trying to rekindle things.

He also told me he'd had an idea a week before when I was over at his house finalizing divorce stuff and packing up the rest of my stuff because I went  to the bathroom about 20 times.

And then he told me..."I guess this is the period on the end of us. I guess I always thought it would just happen--us having kids."

I looked at him incredulously and said, "Just happen? You haven't touched me in forever."

It was a sad parting.

So was the day I signed the final divorce document. I drove over to his house and gave him back my rings. It was metaphorical.

Many said I should have kept them, but they represented something that I didn't want hanging around anymore. If I sold them, I'd never get their worth, and I didn't want to look at the representations of another failed marriage--even in a new jewelry setting.

I drove home that day sad. Sad at what had come of mine and Rob's 8 year relationship/4 year marriage.

And that night...Joe officially proposed.

We got married 3 months before our oldest was born.

I was hardly a blushing bride in white. Actually, I wore a red and black strapless number.

We got married in our house with candles all around and surrounded by our families.

It was small. It was intimate. It was perfect.

Since that time, we've had four more babies in record time.

We felt that we had missed so much time that we didn't want to wait.

And now we're surrounded by these 5, little, happy faces. Neither of us thought we'd have children because of our past marriages. Joe told me when we met that he had already resigned himself to not having kids. He thought he'd be a bachelor and that kids just weren't part of his future. I had felt the same way.

Meeting and marrying Joe was only the start of an amazing journey...

It certainly hasn't been all rainbows and unicorns.

Somethnig really hard for me to get past...feeling like I was in competition with Joe's first wife's memory.

Her name was Stacy.

Tell Her About It

The title is in honor of Billy Joel's song. I used to say that to Rob all the time.

My most quoted line to him was "Will that be a consolation when she's gone?"

"She" of course being me.

He said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but his actions and the way he treated me didn't add up to that.

There were times we laughed. There were times we enjoyed one another's company.

That's why I hung around for so long. I had that glimmer of what I thought we could be.

I was ready to start a family. I loved kids. I'd always seen myself having some. I thought we were at the point in our lives where it was "time."

Rob held off. And, if I can be frank with you (and I have been all along so why stop now?) we were barely more than roommates at this point, so short of a miraculous act like Christ's birth, it just wasn't going to happen.

I talked a lot with one of my friends (Dana) who lived where we had just moved from. Dana is one of my favorite people. She tells it like it is and is fiercely loyal. She also knows me very well. Good and bad.

I remember the conversation she and I had where I told her that I was resigning myself to never having children. I wanted to be faithful to my marriage and really didn't want to have another divorce. If being with Rob meant not having children, I was going to be resigned and honor my commitment. I trusted God to work it all out in the long run.

Dana thought that was nuts. She had kids of her own and knew that I adored kids and wanted some of my own. She also watched how good Rob was with her kids. It didn't add up.

Months prior to my karaoke weekends, I started attending church regularly and acted as the worship leader for a women's Bible study for a while. That means I led singing. I got very close to some of these women and became even more convinced that honoring my vows was paramount.

I had been begging Rob to go to counseling with me and work out some of this crap that had been built up between us.

Finally...he agreed. We found this hippie looking counselor who was close to our age. She was okay. I didn't mind her.

We attended a few sessions. It was a lot of filling in the backstory for the first few meetings. Of course, I threw out there the whole Internet thing concerning Rob. He said he knew that would be out there first.

And then, as we started talking about having a family, he finally admitted what was holding him back.

He said he thought I was too Polly Anna-ish and he didn't want me raising his "prodigy."

He said he could see it all:

Throwing ball with his son and his little girl running to greet him.

He could see himself with kids.

Just not with me.

He actually said that.

Talk about a knife in the gut.

That was the turning point for me.

He really didn't like me.

I don't think there was one thing about me that he really enjoyed.

I could be wrong about that.

But I don't think I am.

I think that's why he was so sloppy when he did things like going to meet up with people.

Once I washed his car for him-inside and out. I scrubbed it and vaccumed it.

And as I was vaccuming the inside, I found several strange things.

Under the front driver's seat I found a bottle of mouthwash and a prepaid calling card.

We had a home phone and cell phones.

What did he possibly need with a prepaid calling card??

I checked the available minutes...it was empty.

So he had obviously been using it.

To me...and I could be completely in left field here...that meant he was trying to hide something.

I could see if I'd found gum or mints...but mouthwash?

I asked him about it. I don't even remember what he said. It didn't matter.

I don't think I was even surprised. Just numb and so tired of it.

I even told him once that I thought he was sloppy on purpose so that I'd catch him and leave him. That way he wouldn't be the bad guy. I could do the dirty work and he could get what he'd wanted all long...freedom.

So, it was in these counseling sessions (during which I had started hanging out at the bar and singing karaoke on Fridays) that I admitted to the counselor and Rob that I was planning to move out.

Rob acted surprised.

After we left the session, we pulled over in a parking lot and talked about it.

I don't know if it was an act or if he truly didn't see it coming, but he acted as if he didn't want me to go.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I started actively looking at apartments.

There was so much emotion all wrapped up in this...fear, excitement, anticipation...

I'd NEVER lived on my own before. I made a decent salary for a single girl, so I believed I could support myself.

But oh I was afraid.

I wasn't exactly confident as far as bill paying and managing a household on my own because Rob handled all of that. And wouldn't let me help.

We argued many a time over the fact that he kept the checkbook at work and I never saw the bills or what he paid. He insisted that it was easier that way.

So, I had no idea what we had going out per month.

But I was determined to do this on my own.

One friend took me around to look at her apartment complex. It was nice but pricey.

I had chatted with the DJ at the bar before and found out he'd just moved back from the West coast. He told me about his complex. It was in a good neighborhood and affordable.

I made plans to look at it.

In the mean time, I'd left some aprtment brochures laying around my house. Not on purpose, but just left where I'd dropped my stuff. I know Rob saw them.

I was invited out of town on vacation with a friend and I jumped at the chance to go.

I know this is crappy, but I called Rob at work and left him a voice mail telling him I was going. I was gone for a week.

I texted him while I was gone to check in but never once did I call him.

My family was trying to reach me at that time too and I didn't answer emails or call back.

My sister Missy was beside herself.

She thought for sure I had been kidnapped and murdered.

When I got back, I put down a deposit on the apartment that was in the complex where the DJ (Joe) lived.

It was a huge complex.

And guess what?

The only 1 bedroom apartment available?

Right across the hall from Joe.

2 guys from work helped me move my stuff out of Rob's house while he was at work one day.

Rob knew I was leaving. I'd talked with him about it.

He said he thought I was just trying to use scare tactics by leaving the brochures around.

The day before I was set  to move out, I was napping and he came up to our room, laid next to me, held me and cried that he didn't want me to leave. He said, "I don't think I can do it." Meaning, let me go.

I was over it.

I told him that it was happening.

I'm not cold, but I'd had enough.

It was one of those defining moments.

I could have chosen to stay and continue our dysfunctional cycle or leave and get on with my life.

For so long I'd been torn about honoring my vows and knowing how God feels about divorce.

I know there are some verses that release me from the marriage because of marital unfaithfulness, but I really wanted to make this work.

It had gotten too far. I had lived in a prison for so long, that I was desperate to get out.

I was ready to stand on my own.

This was my chance.

It's funny, Kelly Clarkson's song "Breakaway" had just come out.

The lyrics really spoke to me.

That's what I was doing. I was breaking away.

It was like being on the launching pad of so many great things.

I was sad to know that the marriage had failed. Knowing that it was me who pulled the trigger.

But I don't think I really did--or was the only one who did.

Rob had given up a long time ago.

I think he just let me do the dirty work.

So...I moved in to my own place.

And got to know this funny, cute guy named Joe who was now my neighbor.

Everything Changes

I applied on a whim at a post secondary school in downtown. The position was to travel to high schools and speak with seniors about their future plans and also to try to recruit them to come to my school.

The interview was a group interview.

Rob told me not to get my hopes up because it was probably a sales scheme.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

** And, by the way, no...Rob had no idea that I had made plans to hook up with payroll guy. He knew I was planning a trip to the corporate office, but that's it. Although if he reads (??) he knows now. **

So I bought a new suit and got all gussied up for my interview.

I stood in front of a room of people and talked about why I would be a good fit for the position.

I was called back for a solo interview.

After the solo interview, I was told they'd call by the week's end either way.

Rob assured me they wouldn't call.

They called. And offered me the job.

And I started a whole new career.

I can't even begin to describe what it was I did and how it affected me. It was amazing.

I traveled a lot and enjoyed it. Mostly day trips.

I worked with the best people. They were all around my age and so much fun.

We started hanging out and going to happy hour together.

We had a company party once at a local bar downtown. I almost didn't go because I'd been up at 4 that morning and traveled 6 hours round trip. I was exhausted, but everyone was there and having fun...

There was karaoke there.

I'd never sung karaoke before, but liquid courage played a huge part in me getting up and singing Madonna with one of my friends.

That led to a few other songs.

Good times.

It quickly became a tradition. Friday nights were our night to head to that bar and sing our hearts out.

One friend in particular who I confided quite a bit in was my partner in crime for karaoke. We were known for our rockin' Madonna duets and I had so much fun with her.

I had started dropping some weight, wearing better clothes, and feeling good about myself.

I know I looked better. I can see it in pictures from then.

I was regaining confidence.

I kept asking Rob to come with me and see me sing.

He kept declining.

Finally, for my birthday, he agreed to join me and my friend and her date.

We showed up at the bar a little early.

And there was a new DJ. His name was Joe.

As usual, my friend and I chatted him up (we did all the DJs who had worked there). Unexpectedly, Joe played Happy Birthday for me and the whole bar sang.

You see, this bar was like my "Cheers." When I would walk in, the bartender would have a glass of white Zinfandel waiting for me. We were "regulars" and everyone knew us and we knew everyone.

When I got up to do a solo to one of my fave songs, my friend talked Rob and her date into moving up closer to the stage. Rob reluctantly agreed. He sat in front of me, but I think he only looked at me twice. I think he was embarrassed.

Who cares. I gave the performance of a lifetime. Ha!

I loved being with these people. They liked me and they enjoyed spending time with me.

It had been a while since I'd felt that excitement to hang out with people. Rob and I had been living the life of roommates for so long and he admittedly avoided my company at all costs,  that I forgot what it was like to have people actually seek out time with me.

Eveything was about to change. There was a new sheriff in town.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

And it was a beautiful wedding.

In a rose garden. With my family and friends.

I had the dress of my dreams and felt like a princess that day.

Then we headed off to the honeymoon. To Barbados.

I swear from the moment he put that ring on my finger, I started gaining weight. I'd never been in danger of being "skinny" but I was average. Slowly I started gaining and my clothes felt different.

I was still comfortable when we got married, but I noticed that things were starting to change.

Weight was a big deal to Rob. His ex-girlfriend gained a lot of weight while they were together and he always talked about it to me. How he hated it and she would tell him, "Just accept it. I'm fat!" He hated that she had accepted it. In fact, it enraged him.

Andy told Rob once (and he, of course told me) to remind me what happened between Rob and his ex...how they broke up because she had gained so much weight. Maybe that would keep me from "blowing up" Andy had said.

So....I like to psycho analyze myself then and I think that I gained weight for a few reasons...

*I was extremely unhappy. I ate to comfort myself and probably held onto that weight because I had so much inner turmoil.

*Maybe I gained to protect myself. If I wasn't attractive, he wouldn't want to shop me around to strangers.

*I hated myself and the things I was allowing to happen in my life.

I look at pictures of myself back then and I am amazed. And so sad.

Not only was I heavy, but my face was so swollen and the bags under my eyes were so dark. One look at me and even a complete stranger could tell that I was miserable.

It's no secret to those who know me or read my other blog that I am struggling with my weight right now. And have for a few years. BUT weight gain from pregnancy is a far cry different from weight gain as a healthy, active 20-something.

It was on our honeymoon that Rob and I talked about the fact that I wasn't enough for him. I said something to that effect and he said, "Yep. That's right."

It was right as our waitress came to take our order and I couldn't talk because I was trying not to cry. It had always been an undercurrent, but he'd never come out and said it.

And there it was.

When he saw my eyes fill up, he quickly said, "Oh my gosh. No! I didn't realize what you said!"

I don't believe that. There was no way to misunderstand what I said.

So at least I knew exactly where I stood. And here we were married now.

The rest of our honeymoon we fought and bickered. About everything.

It wasn't my dream vacation. Which was apparent to my family because I called home several times. I was homesick.

We got back and tried to settle into a routine. And we did. We just continued to ignore the glaring issues in the marriage and pretend to be the happy newlyweds. No one knew what was going on from the outside.

Then the decision was made to move to where Rob was from originally. I was terrified. I was leaving a place I had made friends and had become comfortable for some place (a big city) where I knew no one.

I was able to transfer with my job in retail and he took a job with another retail corporate office.

We set up in corporate housing again, ready to start house hunting.

We also continued to fight.

We were trying to sell our old house and had been traveling back and forth on weekends to clean and fix it up to put it on the market. Rob planned to go back one weekend without me and I expressed my displeasure at that idea. He, of course, was indignant. He was angry that I didn't trust him (really?). He was going anyway whether I liked it or not.

On my way home from work the day he was supposed to leave, someone pulled out in front of me and totaled my car. I wasn't injured thankfully, but my car was dead on arrival. The whole front was smashed in and it was leaking like Niagara Falls.

It was quite a scene at a busy intersection. We lived in the north part of the city at the time and I worked in the south, so I was quite a ways from home where it happened. A guy who managed a gas station close by let me use the phone to call Rob. I told him what happened and asked him to come and get me.

Do you know that he was mad?

He told me later that he thought I had done that on purpose to keep him from going home that weekend.

What an ass.

I don't even remember him asking if I was okay. He was annoyed.

He did reluctantly come and get me.

And he also went out of town as planned.

I'm sure he had plans to hook up with someone and didn't want to break them.

We had quite the heated discussion...and he told me that he would let me stay as long as I needed to until I found a plce to live.

Naturally, I bawled and begged to work it out.

Again...how sad that I had such little self respect.

We sort of did. Work things out.  I think we just came to expect those hills and valleys in our marriage. We'd just kind of sweep it under the carpet. It was our normal.

Finally, we found a house. We settled into a routine.

I was store manager of a women's boutique. He was still at the corporate office of a national retailer.

His job was very stressful. And he managed to find another group of people who loved to go out. All the time. After work.

His office parties were always employee only (or so he told me) so I was never invited to any of them. It wasn't until several months (a year?) in that I met anyone he worked with in a social setting.

I remember one party he went to he told me he'd be home by a certain time and, of course, didn't make it home by then. He also was not answering his cell phone.

When he finally did pull in the driveway, I watched him park all crooked in the drive, struggle to carry all his stuff and shut the door at the same time, and stumble in the house.

He came in, reeking of alcohol, and passed out on the couch.

I stood over him and yelled for him to wake up.

Nothing.

I grabbed the front of his shirt and shook him up and down several times.

Nothing.

I hated him at that moment. More than ever.

This had become our life.

He would leave for work early and stay really late.

He'd already admitted it was because he didn't want to come home. To me.

He hated that I didn't trust him. He hated that I questioned him.

I stood there that night, looking at him, and literally had to hold myself back--with everything in me--to keep from smothering him with  a pillow that was on the couch. Honestly.

I very clearly remember looking at the pillow. Then looking at him. Then looking at the pillow. Then looking at him.

I think I slapped his cheek to wake him up and told him that if he was so unhappy, he could march his ass down to the courthouse and file for divorce.

He proceeded to pass out again.

So I called his mom. It was late, but I was at my wit's end.

I drove over to her house and we sat up and talked.

I admitted to her that we were having problems and had been for some time. I also told her that he had an obsession with wanting to bring someone else into the relationship.

Yep. I did.

She's a psychologist. She's heard it all.

I was desperate for her to understand me and hear me. I couldn't tell anyone else this.

She was surprised, but not shocked.

She told me she was so sad that we were having troubles.

Finally, I went home. Rob was still passed out.

I did tell him the next day about going to his mom's. I didn't tell him what I had shared with her specifically.

Maybe a big part of me told his mom because he was always the apple of his mom's eye. Everybody liked Rob. He was funny, personable. When we were together, we were the life of the party. We laughed. We looked the part. We played the game. I just wanted someone to know what it was really like inside our 4 walls.

I also think that because I had never been on my own, I didn't  think I could be. I was scared to be alone and on my own.

And after a while, that dysfunctional relationship--as totally screwed up as it is--is actually less scary than the unknown of striking out on your own and starting a new life.

I stood on that ledge for so long.

Too long.

And instead of getting out and and working on fixing myself and becoming whole again, I did what I had come to know...I looked to other people to make me feel whole.

I started flirting with the payroll guy at work.

Over the phone.

We exchanged pictures and used to email back and forth.

He was clear on the other coast. But it didn't matter. We'd find reasons to call each other.

And then, I actually planned a trip to the corporate office (where he worked) with every intention of meeting and hooking up with him.

I even told him as much.

The plan was for him to pick me up at the airport.

Luckily for me. I got fired TWO DAYS BEFORE I was supposed to fly out.

I'd already purchased the ticket and booked the hotel and everything.

I believe God truly does work in mysterious ways.

I did something so stupid and any other time I believe that I would have received a slap on the wrist. But for my own safety, I believe that God worked it out that I was removed from my job. If only to save me. From myself.

And it did.

I obviously canceled my trip.

And I found out payroll guy called the store looking for me and asked if he was still supposed to pick me up at the airport.

He could have been who knows...a serial killer. Or a rapist.

And I was so starved for attention and so ready to spite Rob that I was willing to go to such great lengths.

I'm still embarrassed about that. But so thankful that I was saved from myself. I was living the very efinition of insanity: doing  the same thing and expecting a different result. When would I learn that seeking that attention from someon else was trouble?

All the sudden I was unemployed and looking for a new job.

Enter one of the most pivotal and life-changing jobs in my life.

Happily Ever After...?

So Iwound up at Andy and Anna's. Sadly, that is the only place I had to go. And if I'm going to be honest, I wanted to tarnish a little the squeaky clean image Andy had of Rob. Not very nice or mature, I know.

And not very practical, either. Considering Andy was hardly a Boy Scout himself.

I spent the night there. Ironically, it was Andy's birthday so I ended up going out to dinner with them. To Joe's Crab Shack. That sticks in my mind.

I forgot to mention that after I confronted Rob with the proof that I knew he was being less than honest with me, he took a long drive. I don't know where, but I'm pretty sure that he drove back over by the Red Roof in (on the other side of town) and did a little backstory, cover up work. There's a shopping plaza off the highway there called Taylor Square. All the sudden, he came home to tell me the details of this girl he'd met online and had intended to go meet at a McDonalds close to the Red Roof Inn. He said she'd given the Red Roof Inn as a landmark and he called to get directions.

Sure.

He said he sat at the McDonald's for a long time and she never showed.

Sure.

Her name?

He said it was Taylor.

Sure.

Even at the time, as gullible as I was, I didn't believe him for a second.

I believe he drove over that way to see what was near the hotel and made up this ridiculous story around that.

Was there ever a Taylor?

I don't know. Nor will I ever really know.

Was he meeting up with this broad Sherri from work?

No clue. I'll probably never know that either.

Where was he the day he said he had to work half a day and then I caught him in a lie?

I got nothin.'

These things used to haunt me and make me lie awake at night.

Now I just wonder from time to time.

Anyway....here I was at Andy and Anna's.

I left from their house the next day for work and decided to detour to my house.

Mistake.

Rob was there and he'd written me this letter telling me how he felt so bad and he'd been up talking to his mom the night before.

They agreed that we were such a great couple.

And then he finished it by saying that he realized he wasn't right for me and that he understood why I wanted to move on.

I should have said, "Yep! You're right. See ya."

Instead, I did what so many women do...I made him promise he'd never lie to me again and we decided to give it another go.

And then we set a new date for the wedding, pushing it up 4 months.

Are you rolling your eyes? I am!

Lord, why oh why did I not have enough self-respect to GET OUT?!

*sigh*

But we continued on.

The situation actually did put a wedge between Andy and Rob. The funny thing?

Andy was mad that Rob would have gone to meet someone and not tell HIM.

Really? These are the people I surrounded myself with?

But I loved Rob. I wanted to believe all the things I told myself about him. I loved his mom. I wanted to be a family with him.

And I still had that ridiculous notion that he just hadn't met the right woman yet (me!) to make him settle down.

I once had a friend tell me that if I felt in my heart he was unfaithful, I needed to listen  to that.

But I didn't.

As with so many things, I turned a blind eye and a deaf ear.

Instead we went ahead with plnas for a beautiful garden wedding. Oh the excitment.

It's easy to get caught up in the planning and the fairy tale aspect of things and forget that you can't trust your fiance. I was so busy looking at wedding dresses, lattice, tulle, and reception venues that I conveniently stopped thinking about all the lies, half truths, inconsistencies, and negative aspects of our relationship.

This was going to be my happily ever after if it killed me, damnit!

And it almost did. At least my spirit.